Crazy In Love

I’ve been in love with the same man now for 4 years.
Considering he doesn’t love me back, this is hard.

Since we broke up, I’ve been trying to get over him, but to no avail. I honestly believe I’m going to be in love with him for the rest of my life. This scares me. Although he doesn’t love me, he won’t let me go. He selfishly wants me in his life. I’ve tried time and time again to leave, to walk away from our friendship but I can’t because I’m weak. He makes me weak.
I’ve never felt about other men the way I feel about him. Everyone I’ve met since him, pail in comparison. They don’t even scratch the surface.

From the second I saw him, I wanted him. Even when I see him now, I still get excited. I still feel the buzz of electricity when he touches me, and go weak at the knees and feel the flip of my stomach when his stare lingers. We still smile and laugh together as we reminisce about old times. Feel our hearts race and our skin blush as we talk about our intimate encounters from we were together, and when we weren’t…. He remembers every single detail.

He knows me better than anyone else, even myself.

I wish I knew what he wanted, I wish he’d tell me. I wish he’d tell himself.

Capabilities and Perceptions

Do people perceive you completely different to how you perceive yourself?
Are you more capable than you give yourself credit for?

Currently I work for Probation in an admin support role. It’s a job that I’m more than grateful for, as I fell into it, the pay is decent and I enjoy admin to a certain extent. It isn’t however, the role I intend on doing forever.

The role I sort of set my sights on within this organisation, is as a Probation Service Officer (PSO), which is pretty much the same as a Probation officer (PO), you’re just exposed to less risks. I applied for the role a few months back, but wasn’t successful.

The role has come up again and I was considering it, but part of me was thinking perhaps I’m not good enough… Maybe my experiences and knowledge isn’t quite good enough to provide that level of support to someone, or to help them change their lives in such a way.
I’m doubting myself because I’ve never done it before and not sure if I’d be any good.

I had an appointment with my bank the other week and the lady I was speaking to asked me where I worked. I told her and she looked at me agasp! Apparently she didn’t expect me to work in that sort of area, and she didn’t expect me to be a probation officer. I didnt correct her assumption, perhaps I should’ve, but I didn’t. I liked her assumption. Although she obviously didn’t think I was capable, I liked it.

A few other people I’ve said this too, assume I’m a PO. Some I’ve corrected, others I have neglected to.
I’m not sure I understand why everyone thinks the Probation service is just full of POs and no other staff!

One of my colleagues, who’s the same age as me, fantastic at the job (PO), and who I have a lot of respect for, told me I should apply for the PSO role. One of the police officers I work with, on hearing I was moving to a different team (I’m yet to blog about this), asked if it was to become a PSO. I alerted him to the fact that it wasn’t.

Again, both of these comments made me feel really good about myself and the way others perceive my capabilities, especially people I have a lot of respect for.
Being a PSO/PO isn’t for everyone. Dealing with offenders requires a fair bit of skill. It’s not an easy job! Being responsible for someone’s welfare and wellbeing in the community is a tough task, or at least, I perceive it to be. If you get it wrong, on your head be it,  there’s a lot of criticism, especially from the public! However, there are people who think im capable of doing this even though I have no first hand experience.

So, depending on the requirements, I better get an application in! This has given me the confidence I was lacking. I can bloody do this!