I’ve been smoking…

I was on a night out with work friends recently when a situation got me a bit stressed out and completely changed my mood. I had been drinking a fair bit at this point, so my ability to reason with my drunken, sulky self had long since gone out of the window.

An offer to go outside for some fresh air and away from the annoyance was too good to say no to. The people I was with, who admittedly, I didn’t know that well, offered me a cigarette… which I took. It didn’t take me more than two drags to realise it was menthol and wasn’t giving me the usual nicotine rush id had when previously I was a social smoker many moons ago. Nonetheless, I carried on smoking, even though I was already starting to feel guilty for it. I carried on my night, but I did stop drinking.

I woke up the next morning and tried to recover the previous nights events, as you do after a heavy one and recoiled as i remembered I smoked! I also remembered on another night out with work a few weeks previous that I’d smoked again. I didn’t have a whole one to myself, but I’d had enough to remember it happened. What am I doing? I hate smoking.

My dad used to smoke. He died of cancer when i was 17. I smoked socially for years and then made a very conscious effort in 2010 never to smoke again. My mum smoked on and off for years. After my dad died, i used to always tell her off if I caught her smoking. My best friends dad has terminal cancer…. why the hell am I smoking?

I’ve got by for years just enjoying how it smells (its a very strange habit to have, I know) and not physically smoking an actual cigarette. I’ve gone on nights out with friends and work friends who smoke and never felt the urge to smoke then. So why now? It sort of feels like I’m rebelling against something, but I’m 31 years old and living in a houseshare, why would I need to rebel?

I need to have a quiet word with myself and knock this on the head before it starts becoming more frequent. I don’t like the idea of falling into bad, unhealthy habits.

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