Category Archives: Babies

Jealousy pangs

I’ve been perfectly fine all week, but today it’s all felt a little blah. I remember thinking a few months ago how amazing it would be to announce over Christmas that we were pregnant.

I think the reality has set in a bit. I feel quite morose and have seen God knows how many articles about pregnancy this, and infertility that… Not to mention my Instagram is full with baby stuff.. I was getting ahead of myself following baby related pages to get inspiration. All its done today is make me realise that’s not going to be my reality for quite some time, if ever. I feel sad and jealous of all those people who are having sleepless nights with their tiny bundles, changing shitty reusable nappies and dressing their babies up in colourful winter padding. Quite odd things to feel jealous about really, isn’t it?

I can’t believe I’m fucking infertile!

Luckily I have some other things to look forward to and help distract my mind otherwise I’d be a hot mess!

Advertisements

IVF

So, this is the next part of our journey!
I didn’t ever think IVF would be something I’d have to think about. Prior to Wednesday, I didn’t even know what it entailed. After my HSG 2 weeks ago, although I could tell my tubes were blocked, I thought my body would be fixable, it’d be ok, it would ‘work’. I don’t know why it can’t be fixed…I didn’t ask, perhaps I should have but alas, I wasn’t thinking straight. I’m slowly coming to terms with the fact that we can’t get pregnant by ourselves, we need scientific intervention! Sounds cool when you put it like that. It’s still very upsetting no matter the spin you put on it. I think I’m done crying for now. I know what’s wrong and I can stop going crazy, wondering if I’m pregnant every month.

I’m trying not to think about specifics, waiting lists, how hard this is going to be, success rates and whatnot.That’s all months down the line. I’ve got plenty of tears in the reservoir for that.

For now, we’ll concentrate on the positives, the things we can control and being just the 2 of us for a while longer ❤️👫❤️

I’m feeling nervous

Nearly a year after I had my MRI scan at the hospital, I finally have an appointment scheduled to officially receive my results this Friday. I’m ridiculously nervous at what they might tell me.

Although I had my GP read the results out and tell me that it shouldn’t affect us TTC, well, how does she know? I’d like to get the results from properly qualified persons, you know. Someone who can tell me what type of fibroids I have, how many, where they are and what they affect.

I’m mostly terrified that I’ll be told I’m beyond help and my uterus is so full of fibroids that no baby will ever be able to ‘set up shop’ in there. I think I’m preparing myself for the worst just incase it’s not that bad and I’ll actually feel some relief, rather than utter devastation.

Pray for me!

Peek-a-boo

Today I’m mourning the loss of something I never even had.

I spent the past week experiencing some early pregnancy symptoms and convinced myself we’d managed to conceive. Waves of nausea cursed through my body, my sense of smell heightened and made me feel like superwoman, whilst my mouth held the remanents of old coins and my breasts felt sore and swollen.

My heart raced at the thought of new life being made and I allowed myself to get excited. I bought a pregnancy test, eager to use it and confirm my suspicions.

My feelings of elation and motherhood were short lived when the test gave me negatives.. again, I told myself I was testing too early. I told my partner of my suspicions and we both marvelled at the prospect of our new future, as a 3!

Last night all my positivity was drained when I experienced contractions, period cramps and a general unwell feeling came over me. I took myself to bed and let my body continue to break down while I slept, expecting my period to arrive upon waking.

Sex with my partner soon brought with it pink stained toilet paper that soon turned to bright red. My period, as planned was on its way. My heart broken at the sight of the evidence.

I keep reminding myself that we can try again but I feel so much sorrow for what I thought I had. I’ve never in my life experienced symptoms like this.. perhaps it was imagened symptoms, but they felt so real to me. I started to think that maybe these fibroids wouldn’t give me any issues after all. Who knows. One thing I know for sure is that we both want this this badly and we both deserve it. We are now officially trying to conceive

Fibroids

I’ve been very quiet recently. I know my posts are sporadic at best, but I’ve literally spent the past few months being consumed by my fertility – or lack there of.

A year ago I discovered I had a lump in my abdomen. After another 6 months of being in genuine pain trying to insert my mooncup and thinking I had prolapsed, I decided to get it looked at. A doctors visit and a very swift referral to a gynecologist revealed I had fibroids. Having never heard of them before, I was ultimately relieved I didn’t have cancer. I shuddered with fear when the consultant asked if I already had children. It was then that I knew these uterine invasions were going to cause me some issues.

We discussed operations and medication and I happily skipped off with my Esmya tablets, hopeful that they’d do their job over the next few months. If they didn’t, I was sure he was going to start discussing hysterectomies. After 3 delightful period free months of esmya, my stomach had gone down and my symptoms followed. I was sure my next appointment would bring me joy and I could look forward to the imminent removal of these ghastly aliens. I’m not going to lie, I was looking forward to having some time off work too!

My consultant did not bring me the news I was hoping for. The medication didn’t work.. Esmya failed me. Although I’m not as disappointed as I thought I would be. I’m unsure why this is.  As we don’t know if these aliens are affecting my fertility, we have said it’d be beneficial to try to conceive over the coming months. There’s no promise I’ll be able to carry a baby, but you never know, my body might actually work!  

Although I’m very worried about the money situation, my bf and I have agreed that trying is a good idea..(i totally didn’t think he would say that). We did want to wait until next year, July time. Evidently though, time is of the essence here and ‘protocol’ has gone out the window! 

Between now and then, I’m scheduled for an MRI to further survey the dark crevices of my uterus. I wonder what else is lurking around in there! Fingers crossed, nothing else too sinister. 

Pregnancy envy

So this is a thing. I didn’t even know it was until I realised how envious I was at yet another pregnancy announcement. They just seem to be so frequent these days, I don’t understand why, or how! Well obviously I know how!

I had a dream a few months ago now that my sister was pregnant with twins. Usually these dreams for me signify actual pregnancy or illness. Just as I thought no more about it, a friend I hadn’t seen for a good while said she wanted to meet up for dinner.

I’d guessed she was pregnant before she actually confirmed she was. I congratulated her, of course I was happy for her. She deserves to be happy. But a part of me died inside for completely selfish reasons. I’ve lost another friend to the mummy brigade, I’m still not even close to ever having children of my own and that’s another person in life who’s got everything that I want.

I can tell you, it’s totally possible to smile and be happy for your friend whilst your heart fights back the desire in you to completely breakdown.

I sort of got over that. Then came another blow. A colleague entered the room one morning with a rather bloated looking belly and announced she was also expecting. Hmmm.

Why is everyone getting pregnant and I haven’t.

I know I’m not completely irrational about my feelings because someone else I know is having fertility problems and she struggles when other women announce their pregnancies. I feel jealous of her. She’s got everything in place. House, decent job, loving fiancee. I haven’t even got a quarter of that. She’d probably laugh at me if I told her I was jealous of her!

I know I’m doing that ridiculous ‘comparing myself to others’ that we as a society seem to do constantly,but I can’t help it.

Can people just stop procreating for a while please 😦

Anyone else have pregnancy envy?