Category Archives: Life

Jealousy pangs

I’ve been perfectly fine all week, but today it’s all felt a little blah. I remember thinking a few months ago how amazing it would be to announce over Christmas that we were pregnant.

I think the reality has set in a bit. I feel quite morose and have seen God knows how many articles about pregnancy this, and infertility that… Not to mention my Instagram is full with baby stuff.. I was getting ahead of myself following baby related pages to get inspiration. All its done today is make me realise that’s not going to be my reality for quite some time, if ever. I feel sad and jealous of all those people who are having sleepless nights with their tiny bundles, changing shitty reusable nappies and dressing their babies up in colourful winter padding. Quite odd things to feel jealous about really, isn’t it?

I can’t believe I’m fucking infertile!

Luckily I have some other things to look forward to and help distract my mind otherwise I’d be a hot mess!

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I’m feeling nervous

Nearly a year after I had my MRI scan at the hospital, I finally have an appointment scheduled to officially receive my results this Friday. I’m ridiculously nervous at what they might tell me.

Although I had my GP read the results out and tell me that it shouldn’t affect us TTC, well, how does she know? I’d like to get the results from properly qualified persons, you know. Someone who can tell me what type of fibroids I have, how many, where they are and what they affect.

I’m mostly terrified that I’ll be told I’m beyond help and my uterus is so full of fibroids that no baby will ever be able to ‘set up shop’ in there. I think I’m preparing myself for the worst just incase it’s not that bad and I’ll actually feel some relief, rather than utter devastation.

Pray for me!

I got the job!

A while ago now, I posted about what I felt I was capable of doing job/career wise. I got stuck in a rutt after that and fell into bad job after bad job. I was an administrator on 20k a year, doing three most boring thing ever. This was a stark realisation that I was sick to death of admin.. So, I got another job that was less admin and more customer service based. To be fair, the job wasn’t that bad at all, but the company was an awful shambles. I was a sales coordinator responsible for a whole heap of people making a real mess of new homes. I’ll tell you something for nothing, hell hath no fury like a new home owner with faulty windows and doors! The stress of that job wasn’t worth the measly 18k they were paying me to not give a shit.

All this made me realise I need validation. I don’t know why, I just always have. Maybe it’s self esteem related. Well, not maybe, I’m almost certain it is.

So, when I saw a job advertised for a Housing Officer, I jumped at the chance. I’d already previously applied, but turned down the interview because I couldn’t get the time off work. I knew my application was good enough to get me to interview stage.

On the day of the interview I was the most nervous I’d ever been… Especially at the thought of about 15 interview questions! Who asks 15 questions?! That’s ridiculous. There was also a 10 minute section where I got to prepare answers to 3 questions they’d let me see. After the interview I was sure I’d messed up… I got shown around by another member of staff and then had another mini interview with him, which I felt I passed with flying colours. I left feeling semi confident about the whole ordeal.

Twice they tried to call me back the same day, but I was too nervous to answer! Terrified he’d tell me no and I was bound to spend the rest of my days being shouted at by homeowners! The following day I plucked up the courage to call them back and they told me I’d been successful! I’ve honestly never been so happy and shocked all at the same time. I didn’t even need to tell my boss… She could tell by the look on my face what I was going to tell her.

My new job can be super stressful because there’s a ridiculous amount of information to learn. I have to be clued up on rules, policies and procedures and all sorts. It’s been 3 months now and all manner of things have happened. Working with homeless people is hard, it’s chaotic, it’s rewarding, challenging and it’s fun. You can be judge, jury and executioner one day and the next, you can be someone’s best friend. The worst part is asking someone to leave when they’ve broken too many rules… And the best part is seeing someone transform their lives, and moving on. It’s not everything you get shown in the media… It’s not always black and white.. Homelessness is a multi coloured mindfield. There is one thing I know for sure, this feels like the validation I’ve been searching for, for so long.

Lichens Sclerosus – The butterfly effect. 

I’ve recently visited my GP seeking a diagnosis of Lichens Sclerosus (LS) 

For just over a year now, I’ve had the worst itching downstairs. Alongside this itching, my skin has become swollen, sore and delicate like a butterfly wing. Sex with my partner has turned into some sort of military operation as my skin tears so easily, and burns for a whole day afterwards, I’ve had to make sure I don’t have to go to work as I can barely walk.

I can no longer wear the sexy,  lacy thong underwear I’ve adorned myself in for the past 20 years as the material rips my skin to shreds. A task as simple as washing, now needs careful planning and precision as scented/perfumed washes and gels irritate the skin.

I’ve spent the first 6 months treating myself for thrush as I was sure that’s what I was suffering with. It wasn’t until I noticed that patches of my skin had turned white/silver and shiny and peeled off to reveal wrinkled/creased red raw skin that I knew it was more than just thrush.  The opening to my vagina has also narrowed… I find it extremely painful to use a mooncup and recently, sex has become very uncomfortable. 

It hasn’t just affected my vulva either, it’s also spread to my anus. Going to the toilet is very painful. One single wipe with toilet paper can tear my skin and leave me with fissures. The skin heals in 24-36 hours which just makes me dread going to the toilet in case I make it worse.

From the research I’ve done and what I know, the symptoms are:

  • Intense itching (often worse at night) 
  • Discomfort and tenderness 
  • White, shiny spots
  • Burning sensation 
  • Wrinkling /Creased skin
  • Lesions / fissures
  • Painful sex
  • Bruising
  • Dryness 
  • Fusing and shrinkage of the vulva. 

LS can affect any part of your body, but in females the genitals are more common.  There’s not currently a cure, but symptoms can be managed with creams. It’s a rare disease and currently being misdiagnosed as thrush. 

My GP couldn’t see the white patches, so I’ve been given an emollient to wash with to help with the dryness. If that proves unsuccessful, she’ll be referring me to a vulva specialist! I’m so glad she took me seriously and didn’t fob me off with ‘maybe it’s thrush’. I had no idea my genitals could turn against me like this, so I’m so glad that my concerns are being listened to. I just hope I’m not too late!

All this has made me realise how your physical and mental health is so important to your overall well-being. Don’t bottle your worries and concerns. Do your research, go to the doctor and get yourself heard! 

Fibroids

I’ve been very quiet recently. I know my posts are sporadic at best, but I’ve literally spent the past few months being consumed by my fertility – or lack there of.

A year ago I discovered I had a lump in my abdomen. After another 6 months of being in genuine pain trying to insert my mooncup and thinking I had prolapsed, I decided to get it looked at. A doctors visit and a very swift referral to a gynecologist revealed I had fibroids. Having never heard of them before, I was ultimately relieved I didn’t have cancer. I shuddered with fear when the consultant asked if I already had children. It was then that I knew these uterine invasions were going to cause me some issues.

We discussed operations and medication and I happily skipped off with my Esmya tablets, hopeful that they’d do their job over the next few months. If they didn’t, I was sure he was going to start discussing hysterectomies. After 3 delightful period free months of esmya, my stomach had gone down and my symptoms followed. I was sure my next appointment would bring me joy and I could look forward to the imminent removal of these ghastly aliens. I’m not going to lie, I was looking forward to having some time off work too!

My consultant did not bring me the news I was hoping for. The medication didn’t work.. Esmya failed me. Although I’m not as disappointed as I thought I would be. I’m unsure why this is.  As we don’t know if these aliens are affecting my fertility, we have said it’d be beneficial to try to conceive over the coming months. There’s no promise I’ll be able to carry a baby, but you never know, my body might actually work!  

Although I’m very worried about the money situation, my bf and I have agreed that trying is a good idea..(i totally didn’t think he would say that). We did want to wait until next year, July time. Evidently though, time is of the essence here and ‘protocol’ has gone out the window! 

Between now and then, I’m scheduled for an MRI to further survey the dark crevices of my uterus. I wonder what else is lurking around in there! Fingers crossed, nothing else too sinister. 

A Scorpio’s tale

I know a lot of people don’t believe in horoscopes and star signs, but ive come to realise mine pretty much rings true. I believe in it that much, I even got the Scorpio ‘M’ tattooed on my foot.

A few months ago, I was told that I’m very much similar to someone that I don’t really see eye to eye with. This person presents to me as cruel, deceitful and incredibly moody. So imagine my shock! To say I was gutted and upset was an understatement. I laughed it off, but deep down it made me question myself, my personality.

According to what’s written, I could probably be described as a typical Scorpio.
We are incredibly stubborn, moody, competitive, determined and resentful. Jealous, obsessive, loyal, passionate, and observant. A mixture of good and bad it would seem. Ha, from reading the above, I sound like an absolute delight!!
I’m also extremely sensitive. Whether this is a Scorpio thing, or just plain old me remains to be seen. I over think things all the time and take things to heart. I’m also the most emotional person I know. I cry over everything and anything.  Particular scenes in films make my skin prickle and tears fall…(The scene in Sister Act 2 where Ahmal; the black African boy hits that ridiculously high note for one) My dad was very sensitive, maybe I get this from him.

I find it hard to forgive. If I’m hurt by someone in anyway, I’ll hold a grudge like no other. My best gay friend forgot my birthday year after year, so I stopped talking to him! How hard is it to put a yearly reminder in your phone huh?! He then replaced me with another ‘less cool and pretty’ hag and didn’t invite me to his wedding, only the reception. It’s been 2 years since we last spoke!  That’s how bad I am!  😦 To be fair to myself, I think the lack of invite to the wedding and only mentioning it the day before gives me a right to be pissed about that!

I’m almost certain my dad was a Scorpio too. What an earth was my ma thinking. What an awful time to engage in sexual activity with another scorpion! From what I remember my dad was the same as me. We fell out a few years before he died and thinking of it now, I think he was too stubborn just to say he got it wrong and he was sorry. He sent me a letter apparently, but I told him I never got it. I didnt, but he was sure I did, and he got in a mood with me because of it. Silly really, but that’s how silly we can be. Holding a grudge just because you’re too proud to say “I’m sorry, I got it wrong.”

My levels of intensity are deep and quite extreme. Maybe that’s why I’m so emotional. I feel everything, more than most, and more than what is perhaps normal. When I’m in love, it’s quite scary. My feelings are so strong, I’m almost consumed by them. I guess that’s where the jealousy, obsession and passion comes from. I could literally love someone to death. Nat King Cole sang that song about this fellow Scorpion… “When I fall in love, it will be forever.”

I’ve been described by guys as enchanting, secretive and dangerous. I don’t know how, but I must be exuding some sort of chemical that makes them say things like that. Maybe it’s because I play my cards close to my heart. I don’t feel the need to tell someone how I’m feeling if I’m not sure they feel the same. No one likes getting hurt. I told my ex I loved him for the first time during an argument! I was too scared to say it when I felt it because it seemed so soon and I wasn’t ready for him to reply with “Er, thanks.” The last time I said I loved him, he said nothing back! This is the very reason I don’t disclose my feelings…. That hurt. A lot!

I also find people to be incredibly nosy. They want to know all about your business, but they’re less quick to tell you theirs! People often paint me as the shy person in the group. Apparently Scorpios have a tendency to be introverted. Im not shy, im observant. More often than not, I’ll sit back and observe behaviour, watch other people. It’s a very good way of finding out who’s worth your time and who isn’t!  I like to learn very quickly who I can trust, as too many people cant be trusted. My mum taught me this, but ive mostly learnt the hard way. Im not sure its a downfall of mine, as I find it a very useful tool. It’s usually the people who talk the most, that have the least interesting things to say, mostly because they gossip about what they know about you! Quieter people can be deeper. Im not about the ‘reveal all’… I play my cards close to my chest!
A guy that I dated was shocked to find out I wasn’t the goody two shoes I made myself out to be. A colleague at work was surprised when I bought my backpack into work even though id been talking about my trip for the past few months. I couldn’t have been happier to find that out; I love surprising people.

I think my determination is my favourite part of myself. I literally won’t give up on something I want if I think there’s even a tiny chance I might get it. I once applied and got interviewed for a job three times before I got it. First time not enough experience; the second time, someone was just a little better than me, third time, nailed it! This was over the course of a year a think. Once I set my mind to something, regardless of obstacles, it’s happening.

I’m incredibly loyal and honest to people i love and those who are important to me. If a friend tells me something she/he doesn’t want anyone else to know, it’ll go no further. I will battle to support my family and friends with any matter, problem or issue, but if I think you’re being an idiot, I will tell you!

So that’s a little incite into Scorpions and me. It’s not all bad, some of them are great qualities to have, and they’re what makes me, me. Despite my Scorpio flaws, the people I have in my life, love me for me and i like myself too, a fair bit! 🙂

Are there any other Scorpios out there that can relate to my craziness?!
Any other people who feel their zodiac-signs ring true?

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Hoarder Extraordinaire

So, as I mentioned in a previous post They’ve changed me… im planning a trip to South East Asia. Its now just around the corner eeek. I was getting really excited and planning things. I use the term planning very loosely. Id sorted clothes, located passport and was just getting last minute bits and bobs sorted when my housemate dropped a bombshell. We’ve all got to be out by 1st November!!!! Considering I don’t get back until 9th November,  this is going to cause me some problems. After some hyperventilating and a minor panic attack,  I calmed down enough to think of a plan.

Due to my “holiday” costing me a small fortune, I can’t afford to move into a big fancy house, with lush housemates and, as Hyacinth Bucket would call it, “room for a pony”, I decided a temporary measure would be more cost effective. I looked to gumtree and found some rooms for short term rent. The one ive decided on is a small single. When I say small, I literally mean, theres enough room for a single bed and the door has to open outwards onto the hallway!! The family are lovely, there’s a very cute poodle and they literally provide EVERYTHING!! Although this is great, it means I have to go from a big double, to a tiny single. Since ive been in Cardiff, ive bought a lot of stuff. I have a HUGE storage box just for my shoes!

Today I set about trying to downsize. Considering im a hoarder, this is a mammoth task. I literally keep everything and anything sentimental. I think it has to do with the fact that im a very emotional person. There are stories and reasons and feelings behind everything I keep. Plus, my mum is a massive hoarder and so was my dad, so I seemed to have inherited this defective gene!

I started on the wardrobe and only managed to rid it of about 5 items. I was bitterly disappointed. There are dresses in there I haven’t worn for at least 5 years, but they still remain on the hanger. I also came across my old uni sports tracksuit top. Not worn for years, but that’s not something im even prepared to let go.
Next was the chest of drawers. I gutted them good and proper. So well, I can now close them properly!! What couldn’t I part with? The mint green skirt I wore on my 21st birthday.  Doesn’t really fit antmore, but its going nowhere. 
At this point, there’s a whole black bin bag full of stuff.
The top of the wardrobe saw the demise of about three scarves and a whole load of sports gear I haven’t worn for two years,whilst the bottom is now free from some old toiletries I never used.  Bedding, as well as clothes I couldn’t sell on ebay are now in the second black bin bag. I was going to take it to a YMCA  recycling bin, but Gareth advised me to take it to cash for clothes and make a few ££££’s. I guess it makes sense. 50p per kilo, so I’ll make a couple of quid.
A storage basket behind my tv was home to lots of little white candles, an old broken necklace and a Welsh Love Spoon Gareth bought me for Christmas I think, many moons ago. Ive kept those. The bits of necklace are for the bin….my jewellery making days are probably long gone now.
Ive still got under my bed and a “man drawer” to go through, but that’ll wait for tomorrow.

Thankfully this hasn’t been too bad of a cleansing experience. Its amazing how much crap I’ve accumulated. I didn’t think id have TWO black bin bags full of stuff. Id love to live minimalistic, but its just not me. Perhaps i just need a house of my own to fill with years of stuff! I like the memories and the emotions that sorting through old stuff leaves me with. Who doesn’t love nostalgia eh….?
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Do you hoard your memories?