Category Archives: life

Too Soon

I’ve been brought up to believe relationships shouldn’t be rushed. You should always take your time..move slowly. Get to know one another properly before launching yourself into serious life changing decisions and events.

I’ve always passed judgement on others doing things quickly in relationships; moving in, getting pregnant, getting engaged and married after what seems like two minutes. “It’ll never work”has always been my mantra with these situations.  

Everything needs at least a year. I know some situations can’t be helped, but it’s always best to wait – isn’t it?

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The Backup Plan

I made a backup plan with an old best friend of mine. You know the sort, you’re about 22 years old and realise life has the potential to go tits up for you. You and your best pal of the opposite sex make a plan to get married and have babies just in case you get to 40 and realise everything is fucked!

For the most part, I didn’t think I’d ever have a reason to use mine or call it in. I left it by the wayside and forgot it had ever been considered. That, was until I realised my option had gone. My backup plan is definitely gay and also married.  The fact that we’ve just started talking again after a 4 year fall out has absolutely nothing to do with it!! I know him being gay is more a plus point and likely the easier option, but I’m sure he doesn’t want to rent my womb!

A few friends have offered along the way, mostly in jest of course. But low and behold, they’ve got their shit together and have since Wed. 

I feel like I need to go on some sort of collecting spree and get details of chronically single men in the south Wales area. No idea why they need to be chronically single, I’m selling myself short here! I’m a great catch, only part psychotic.

Perhaps I should stick an advert on Gumtree!

Did you or do you still  have a backup plan?

 

 

2016 – What’s happening

Last year I had a fair few resolutions. None of which I really thought I’d stick to, so I did said jokey one:
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With the help of my now ex boyfriend, I smashed all them. Even the get fat one! This was fatness due to being ‘relationship happy’, quitting the gym and the consumption of lots wine… Oh and a sensitivity to gluten (that’s a whole other blog post!)

My more serious ones, included taking
Swimming Lessons , which I did. Paying off my credit card, which I also did and before the cut off period too. There is still a small balance on there, although, technically I paid off the existing debt. The current balance is from a Bobbi Brown treat over Christmas….it doesn’t count!!

A lot of people I know are getting on the property ladder and I’m feeling left t behind. Said people are in long term relationships, married or have children, but hey ho. My little sister is 5k into her 15k target for a deposit after saving for just 1 year. Makes ya god damn sick doesn’t it!! Another good friend is looking to buy next year. Literally everyone else I know already has their own house!

ME, on the other hand.. I’ve just moved into my 5th houseshare since living in Cardiff! I’m literally a gypsy! 😱. Finding a houseshare when you have a pet is a nightmare and I don’t want to have to do it again for a while. Plus, I discovered my bunny isn’t fond of moving about. If I had my own place, I’d never have to worry about these things. Plus, I’d get to live alone 🙌
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So, my NYR is to save, save, save! I’m never going to do it in a year, but I’d like to see how much I can save without trying, per se. I don’t have the monthly constraints of my credit card repayment anymore, so I can just use that and top it up. Anything that’s left at the end of the month can go in as well.. Not that they’ll be any left, but you never know.

This bulk saving means there’ll be very little money left for random trips whenever I like, which really does make me sad, but you can’t have it all, can you?

So, I estimate that by the time I’m 36,i should own my own property. There’s a chance it’ll be the size of a garden shed, but at least it’ll be mine ❤.

I didn’t sleep last night.

I don’t often watch the news. For years I’ve found it depressing, everyday is another tale of death, murder and sadness. Sometimes I’d rather stay wrapped up in my blanket of invisibility and naivety and forget the world is currently embroiled in such constant devastation.

Friday night however, it couldn’t be escaped. I watched it and it upset me. I cried. I’ve shed many a tear all day. I’m no longer de-sensitised. I’m scared.

I’m scared for the places I may never get to see, because it’s too dangerous.

I’m scared for the people I may never get to meet because they’re not permitted to enter our great Isle.

I’m scared that I’ll leave the house one day and not come home.

I’m scared that the carefree attitude I once had, will be marred by a future full of anxiety.

I’m scared that the only future I can see is bleak and smeared by terror, suffering and heartache.

I’m scared that the people we rely on to make positive change, only have one narrow vision.

Mostly, I’m scared that I may never get to hold your tiny hand. I may never hear your first words, or see your first steps. I may never see the joy on your face as you discover things for the first time. I’m scared I’ll never get to see you grow up, learn, achieve, develop and love.
How can I bring you into this world, knowing that ultimately, I’m completely powerless to protect you.

I’m scared that your existence will only ever be in my dreams and my imagination.

Looking forward and wishing

As I set another countdown for another weekend away, I’m wondering if it’s a good thing to look forward to future plans you’ve made.

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I’m finding myself sort of stuck living in the future and I think it’s a bit weird. What’s wrong with wanting to live for the present, for the moment?

I was thinking of the things I was looking forward to, and before I realised it, that was 2015 all done and dusted. It’s not long started and we’re nearly a quarter way through already.
What did it was knowing in February 2016 my credit card will all be paid off and I’ll be debt free… In one thought I have literally wished away a whole year! I’ll be happier knowing it’s all paid off, but between now and then, I’d like the months to pass by slowly so I can enjoy them.
Everything is “I can’t wait for” or “I’m so looking forward to…”

Life really does pass you by in the blink of an eye. Since I got to 21, it seems like just a blur of years.
I’m starting to wonder if it’s even possible to live in the moment? What would that even entail? I’m not sure I’ve ever lived in the present.

People say you need to have things to look forward to. That’s how we get through the days/weeks. Most of us live for the weekend. But isn’t that how you get through the day if you’re unhappy with how things are? Or is looking forward, making plans and doing fun and exciting things, what makes life worth living?

Is your life one big countdown to the future? Or, do you live in the moment, all carefree, waiting for what life will bring?

Should I be sad?

Now all the anger has subsided from JJ cutting short our dating adventure together,  all I’m left with is hurt. Im hurt, but im questioning whether I have the right to be.

The whole thing from first kiss, to the state of shock he left me in on Thursday, lasted 2 months. I almost feel like im not allowed to feel this way as it was a short adventure and i spent 4 weeks of it not physically seeing him everyday. We work together, so part of the fun, thrills and excitement was in the secret glances, touches and smiles we did in the office without our colleagues noticing.
The 4 weeks we spent dating were so much fun…sneaking off for kisses, going out for food and drinks. Spending nights cuddled up, watching films, making jokes and laughing.

I think im hurt more because it was such a shock. Literally over a period of 24 hours, he decided he didn’t want to date me anymore as he wasn’t ready to be serious. Wednesday morning we were planning our romantic meal, Thursday morning he decided otherwise.

Is there a certain time frame in which one should mourn a break up? Is there a ratio? Number of weeks, months years spent together/x time?

All I know is that I feel sad, this Valentines weekend has sucked and I miss him.

Periods – PMS hell

I hate that time of the month. Some of my months come and go without too much hassle, but this month is not a good one… My uterus be all…

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I still have a week to go, yet I’m being battered by PMS. And I feel horrendous. There is absolutely nothing wrong with my life, I actually quite like it, but on a bad month I feel so depressed and discontent. I’m questioning things… Why haven’t I got a better job? Why don’t I own my own house? Why aren’t I married with babies? Why are people more successful than me? Why do I feel so insignificant? Why, why, why? Someone pass me some fecking testosterone, I need to grow some balls and man the fuck up!!!