Category Archives: Uncategorized

Being sober

Now, let’s not get excited, I’m not an alcoholic. I never have been, but I’ve always enjoyed a glass of wine, or 5. I have done since I finished university. I don’t know why, but drinking most nights over a 3 year period, kind of gives you a taste for it!

I didn’t ever think I was bad, but a change was noted when I moved back home. Saying that though, my mother or anyone else in the family were never big drinkers. My mum was more if a smoker, as was my dad. I knew my older sisters drank, but I didn’t know to what extent…. So by default, I became ‘the drinker’.

It wasn’t an every weekend occurrence at that point. I was more the binge type. However, when hanging out with my gay best friends, we’d have big binge sessions. One of then was an alcoholic, so we were all expected to keep up. I knew my limits though. Once I got to THAT point, I’d stop. I hated being sick and I’m not the type to be able to continue after, so it was game over.

My drinking was sporadic after that. I’d just drink like a normal person. The odd glass after work or a bottle over the weekend. Until I met JJ. After being with him, buying 2-3 bottles of wine for the weekend seemed like a normal thing to do. I don’t recall my habits changing very much between him and JB. In fact, they did not change a all. JB wasn’t a wine drinker when I met him, but he can happily drink a bottle of red to himself nowadays.

As it currently stands, I’ve been 5 weeks sober. That’s quite an achievement for me. I’ve realised that not drinking alcohol changes your perspective on things. I no longer want to sit in pubs and I *really * don’t want to be near drunk people…. They’re so terribly annoying! Not that I had a hustling bustling social life before, but it’s definitely made me want to just stay in.

The past two weeks have been really hard for me. When I’ve come home stressed from work, I’ve not been able to release the tension properly. The only way I can process things now is to over analyse, which is irritating as it takes so long to wind back down. I also just miss the act of drinking, the smell and taste of wine and the buzzy feeling I get after a glass or two.

I bought this to try and help simulate things and curb the cravings, but the truth is….

…… It tastes like crap! At £3.50 a bottle, this should not be the case. Ah well, back to craving city I guess. On the plus side, only 2 weeks left of my sober month to go before I decide to either drink again, or continue my sober streak.

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Life Decisions

The past few weeks I have really been thinking about my future. My lichens sclerosus is still bad but due to a change in my diet (no alcohol and less sugar) I’ve found I’ve had less flare ups.

I have genuinely been thinking about whether or not I really wanted kids or of I just forget about them and me and the bf save our money for travelling. I know it probably sounds quite drastic, but with the fibroids making trying to conceive a lot more difficult than it’s supposed to be and the lichens sclerosus ravaging my vulva so much so that I’ve become so narrow and I’m afraid to have sex, I have wondered if there’s any point.

That was until this week….

My Facebook has shown 4 pregnancy announcements. One I already knew about and another was a celebrity, but it still counts nonetheless. They shocked me and I felt so upset…. I wasn’t able to hide my upset from my bf. It hit me heard and my mind has since been consumed with nothing but baby and pregnancy thoughts.

Ive let myself wallow in self pity this week, cos it feels like a process I need to go through. Its helped! Because I allowed myself time to grieve, it made me realise I want a baby more than anything and I’m willing to try and help myself in order to start trying to conceive again. I have now ordered dilators and lube! Sounds odd, but I read that dilators can open you up again, which will really help get me ready for sex… I get so tense at the thought of having sex that it makes matters worse, and the anxiety doesn’t help with lubrication down there either. I’m hoping they’ll help with the sensations too, as the last time I had sex it didn’t feel nice, it just felt like aggravation and then relief of the itching. No point having sex if it doesn’t feel good, is there?

If this reignites my sex drive, I’m going to be so happy!

Wish me luck!

I got the job!

A while ago now, I posted about what I felt I was capable of doing job/career wise. I got stuck in a rutt after that and fell into bad job after bad job. I was an administrator on 20k a year, doing three most boring thing ever. This was a stark realisation that I was sick to death of admin.. So, I got another job that was less admin and more customer service based. To be fair, the job wasn’t that bad at all, but the company was an awful shambles. I was a sales coordinator responsible for a whole heap of people making a real mess of new homes. I’ll tell you something for nothing, hell hath no fury like a new home owner with faulty windows and doors! The stress of that job wasn’t worth the measly 18k they were paying me to not give a shit.

All this made me realise I need validation. I don’t know why, I just always have. Maybe it’s self esteem related. Well, not maybe, I’m almost certain it is.

So, when I saw a job advertised for a Housing Officer, I jumped at the chance. I’d already previously applied, but turned down the interview because I couldn’t get the time off work. I knew my application was good enough to get me to interview stage.

On the day of the interview I was the most nervous I’d ever been… Especially at the thought of about 15 interview questions! Who asks 15 questions?! That’s ridiculous. There was also a 10 minute section where I got to prepare answers to 3 questions they’d let me see. After the interview I was sure I’d messed up… I got shown around by another member of staff and then had another mini interview with him, which I felt I passed with flying colours. I left feeling semi confident about the whole ordeal.

Twice they tried to call me back the same day, but I was too nervous to answer! Terrified he’d tell me no and I was bound to spend the rest of my days being shouted at by homeowners! The following day I plucked up the courage to call them back and they told me I’d been successful! I’ve honestly never been so happy and shocked all at the same time. I didn’t even need to tell my boss… She could tell by the look on my face what I was going to tell her.

My new job can be super stressful because there’s a ridiculous amount of information to learn. I have to be clued up on rules, policies and procedures and all sorts. It’s been 3 months now and all manner of things have happened. Working with homeless people is hard, it’s chaotic, it’s rewarding, challenging and it’s fun. You can be judge, jury and executioner one day and the next, you can be someone’s best friend. The worst part is asking someone to leave when they’ve broken too many rules… And the best part is seeing someone transform their lives, and moving on. It’s not everything you get shown in the media… It’s not always black and white.. Homelessness is a multi coloured mindfield. There is one thing I know for sure, this feels like the validation I’ve been searching for, for so long.

Lichens Sclerosus – The butterfly effect. 

I’ve recently visited my GP seeking a diagnosis of Lichens Sclerosus (LS) 

For just over a year now, I’ve had the worst itching downstairs. Alongside this itching, my skin has become swollen, sore and delicate like a butterfly wing. Sex with my partner has turned into some sort of military operation as my skin tears so easily, and burns for a whole day afterwards, I’ve had to make sure I don’t have to go to work as I can barely walk.

I can no longer wear the sexy,  lacy thong underwear I’ve adorned myself in for the past 20 years as the material rips my skin to shreds. A task as simple as washing, now needs careful planning and precision as scented/perfumed washes and gels irritate the skin.

I’ve spent the first 6 months treating myself for thrush as I was sure that’s what I was suffering with. It wasn’t until I noticed that patches of my skin had turned white/silver and shiny and peeled off to reveal wrinkled/creased red raw skin that I knew it was more than just thrush.  The opening to my vagina has also narrowed… I find it extremely painful to use a mooncup and recently, sex has become very uncomfortable. 

It hasn’t just affected my vulva either, it’s also spread to my anus. Going to the toilet is very painful. One single wipe with toilet paper can tear my skin and leave me with fissures. The skin heals in 24-36 hours which just makes me dread going to the toilet in case I make it worse.

From the research I’ve done and what I know, the symptoms are:

  • Intense itching (often worse at night) 
  • Discomfort and tenderness 
  • White, shiny spots
  • Burning sensation 
  • Wrinkling /Creased skin
  • Lesions / fissures
  • Painful sex
  • Bruising
  • Dryness 
  • Fusing and shrinkage of the vulva. 

LS can affect any part of your body, but in females the genitals are more common.  There’s not currently a cure, but symptoms can be managed with creams. It’s a rare disease and currently being misdiagnosed as thrush. 

My GP couldn’t see the white patches, so I’ve been given an emollient to wash with to help with the dryness. If that proves unsuccessful, she’ll be referring me to a vulva specialist! I’m so glad she took me seriously and didn’t fob me off with ‘maybe it’s thrush’. I had no idea my genitals could turn against me like this, so I’m so glad that my concerns are being listened to. I just hope I’m not too late!

All this has made me realise how your physical and mental health is so important to your overall well-being. Don’t bottle your worries and concerns. Do your research, go to the doctor and get yourself heard! 

Fibroids

I’ve been very quiet recently. I know my posts are sporadic at best, but I’ve literally spent the past few months being consumed by my fertility – or lack there of.

A year ago I discovered I had a lump in my abdomen. After another 6 months of being in genuine pain trying to insert my mooncup and thinking I had prolapsed, I decided to get it looked at. A doctors visit and a very swift referral to a gynecologist revealed I had fibroids. Having never heard of them before, I was ultimately relieved I didn’t have cancer. I shuddered with fear when the consultant asked if I already had children. It was then that I knew these uterine invasions were going to cause me some issues.

We discussed operations and medication and I happily skipped off with my Esmya tablets, hopeful that they’d do their job over the next few months. If they didn’t, I was sure he was going to start discussing hysterectomies. After 3 delightful period free months of esmya, my stomach had gone down and my symptoms followed. I was sure my next appointment would bring me joy and I could look forward to the imminent removal of these ghastly aliens. I’m not going to lie, I was looking forward to having some time off work too!

My consultant did not bring me the news I was hoping for. The medication didn’t work.. Esmya failed me. Although I’m not as disappointed as I thought I would be. I’m unsure why this is.  As we don’t know if these aliens are affecting my fertility, we have said it’d be beneficial to try to conceive over the coming months. There’s no promise I’ll be able to carry a baby, but you never know, my body might actually work!  

Although I’m very worried about the money situation, my bf and I have agreed that trying is a good idea..(i totally didn’t think he would say that). We did want to wait until next year, July time. Evidently though, time is of the essence here and ‘protocol’ has gone out the window! 

Between now and then, I’m scheduled for an MRI to further survey the dark crevices of my uterus. I wonder what else is lurking around in there! Fingers crossed, nothing else too sinister. 

Forbidden Fruit

(I wrote this over a year ago and have never published it until now, I have no idea why not).

I was out last night with friends and met up with a few people from work. Drinks were flowing, the music was getting raunchy and we were losing our inhibitions.

I don’t know how he caught my eye…he never has before, but suddenly I noticed him and he noticed me and we started dancing. Just jokingly at first, but it started heating up. We were grinding…I was laughing and so was he. It amused  us both. We came away..danced with other people and then all of a sudden we were like magnets, stuck to each other. We got closer, dirtier, hotter. A playful smile appeared on my lips, as I watched his lips curl in the same way. I felt myself getting wet..for someone I’d never paid any attention to before, he was turning me on in ways i haven’t been before. As we danced, he walked me forward, away from our friends. He looked deep into my eyes, and told me he wanted to fuck me. He wanted to go down on my and lick my p****y and make me come like no man has ever done before.

I’ll admit, I was both shocked and ridiculously turned on at the same time.

Our friends noticed and tried to entice us away from each other. It didn’t work, we were too magnetic. We argued. For a second I sobered up and was introduced to his arrogance. He wanted us to leave. I didn’t. 

He backed me into a corner,and slipped my underwear down my hips. I told him no. He got annoyed. We argued some more. I said no to a hotel….and then he left.

The next day at work, like any other day. Our bond broken, the magnetism gone. Complete strangers.

Forbidden Fruit

I was out last night with friends and met up with a few people from work. Drinks were flowing, the music was getting raunchy and we were losing our inhibitions.

I don’t know how he caught my eye…he never has before, but suddenly I noticed him and he noticed me and we started dancing. Just jokingly at first, but it started heating up. We were grinding…I was laughing and so was he. It amused  us both. We came away..danced with other people and then all of a sudden we were like magnets, stuck to each other. We got closer, dirtier, hotter. A playful smile appeared on my lips, as I watched his lips curl in the same way. I felt myself getting wet..for someone I’d never paid any attention to before, he was turning me on in ways i haven’t been before. As we danced, he walked me forward, away from our friends. He looked deep into my eyes, and told me he wanted to fuck me. He wanted to go down on my and lick my p****y and make me come like no man has ever done before.

I’ll admit, I was both shocked and ridiculously turned on at the same time.

Our friends noticed and tried to entice us away from each other. It didn’t work, we were too magnetic. We argued. For a second I sobered up and was introduced to his arrogance. He wanted us to leave. I didn’t. 

He backed me into a corner,and slipped my underwear down my hips. I told him no. He got annoyed. We argued some more. I said no to a hotel….and then he left.

The next day at work, like any other day. Our bond broken, the magnetism gone. Complete strangers.