Forbidden Fruit

(I wrote this over a year ago and have never published it until now, I have no idea why not).

I was out last night with friends and met up with a few people from work. Drinks were flowing, the music was getting raunchy and we were losing our inhibitions.

I don’t know how he caught my eye…he never has before, but suddenly I noticed him and he noticed me and we started dancing. Just jokingly at first, but it started heating up. We were grinding…I was laughing and so was he. It amused  us both. We came away..danced with other people and then all of a sudden we were like magnets, stuck to each other. We got closer, dirtier, hotter. A playful smile appeared on my lips, as I watched his lips curl in the same way. I felt myself getting wet..for someone I’d never paid any attention to before, he was turning me on in ways i haven’t been before. As we danced, he walked me forward, away from our friends. He looked deep into my eyes, and told me he wanted to fuck me. He wanted to go down on my and lick my p****y and make me come like no man has ever done before.

I’ll admit, I was both shocked and ridiculously turned on at the same time.

Our friends noticed and tried to entice us away from each other. It didn’t work, we were too magnetic. We argued. For a second I sobered up and was introduced to his arrogance. He wanted us to leave. I didn’t. 

He backed me into a corner,and slipped my underwear down my hips. I told him no. He got annoyed. We argued some more. I said no to a hotel….and then he left.

The next day at work, like any other day. Our bond broken, the magnetism gone. Complete strangers.

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Forbidden Fruit

I was out last night with friends and met up with a few people from work. Drinks were flowing, the music was getting raunchy and we were losing our inhibitions.

I don’t know how he caught my eye…he never has before, but suddenly I noticed him and he noticed me and we started dancing. Just jokingly at first, but it started heating up. We were grinding…I was laughing and so was he. It amused  us both. We came away..danced with other people and then all of a sudden we were like magnets, stuck to each other. We got closer, dirtier, hotter. A playful smile appeared on my lips, as I watched his lips curl in the same way. I felt myself getting wet..for someone I’d never paid any attention to before, he was turning me on in ways i haven’t been before. As we danced, he walked me forward, away from our friends. He looked deep into my eyes, and told me he wanted to fuck me. He wanted to go down on my and lick my p****y and make me come like no man has ever done before.

I’ll admit, I was both shocked and ridiculously turned on at the same time.

Our friends noticed and tried to entice us away from each other. It didn’t work, we were too magnetic. We argued. For a second I sobered up and was introduced to his arrogance. He wanted us to leave. I didn’t. 

He backed me into a corner,and slipped my underwear down my hips. I told him no. He got annoyed. We argued some more. I said no to a hotel….and then he left.

The next day at work, like any other day. Our bond broken, the magnetism gone. Complete strangers.

Under the sea

As part of our first year anniversary celebrations, the bf and I decided to go on holiday. We booked it, packed everything and off we set.

Now, I knew at some point during this holiday, I’d be coming into contact with water. Because we’d booked a self catering studio apartment, and were stay in a harbour town, I was fairly confident I wouldn’t be seeing a swimming pool anytime soon. If you’ve been on a self catering holiday with no actual resorts to stay in…I’m sure you’ll be aware that in order to swim, one must get into the ACTUAL sea.

This doesn’t sit well with me at all as I don’t like open water, and always imagine I’ll just float out to sea and drown. This might seem over dramatic, but I can’t help my water anxiety.

My bf being the natural swimmer that he is, took straight to it and went snorkelling. It took me two days to get in the water, up to my knees….that’ll be more than enough, thank you. It was freezing and I was scared and anxious. By the 4th or 5th day I’d managed to get in, up to my waist and even manage to float and do a little doggy paddle.  

On the 6th day, the sea was far too rough, so my bf sat with me right by the shore and we giggled as we got battered by every wave that came… I felt slightly disappointed with myself for not getting in properly but the anxiety of not being able to see the floor, let alone touch it if I got into any perceived danger was too much. I need an escape route….you don’t get that safety net in the sea.

So today, the final day. I clambered over these rocks and lowered myself in slowly. It was only waist deep, but I stayed sat down and moved further and further in.  I leant back and let the water rest just above my chest. I lay like that for a good 10 minutes. Finally I felt satisfied and proud of myself. I was officially under the sea.
Water 0 – Carina 1.

Contraception : The Copper IUD and Cerelle experience 

This time last year, I was very happy living in my IUD worry free land. I’d just got one put it and thought it was the start of great things. The copper coil was everything I’d hoped for. I’m a nightmare on hormonal medication. I’ve no idea why, I just know that the implant turned me into a suicidal, weepy pyscho; who berated her bf in the streets of Northampton simply because he was breathing. 

So learning about hormone free stuff which such a revelation. I read the reviews and dealt with the insertion procedure like a champ.

I had 9 months of bliss, until an illness and a course of strong painkillers and antibiotics triggered either thrush or BV. It was so bad I felt like I needed to wear scratch mitts to stop me from ripping my insides apart. 5 minutes of ‘relieving’ myself would make me feel like I’d had an altercation with Mr Freddy Kruger. I felt like a wild animal trying to find objects to scratch myself on. Walking, wearing underwear,  going to the toilet and having sex began to get very painful, so after 4 months of suffering, I had it removed. 

My nurse suggested the implant, but I told her it’d make me crazy again. After much deliberation and insisting I know my body can’t deal with the combined pill, she suggested progesterone only. I reluctantly walked away with a 3 month supply and told my bf if you notice ANY differences in me, please, just say. 

One month later and I noticed I was a little bit more teary than usual. I’m emotional as fuck anyway, but I’d be crying at literally anything. On a positive note, I did notice that my thrush had all but disappeared (Bastard coil, I knew that was you!) 

Two months in and I noticed a lot more. I have no idea what my periods are doing. I pretty much ‘spot’ every day, which is annoying.  I’m anxious, moody, very down, emotional, exhausted. I have no desire to leave the house or participate in anything other than being at home. Oh, and my sex drive has completely fucked off. I don’t even want to have sex with myself and that’s saying something! Up until a couple of weeks ago, I didn’t even want to be touched. Now, I don’t know if anyone else has had these specific side effects, but what’s the point? If I’m taking the pill to stop pregnancy and it impacts this greatly on my sex drive, it’s ultimately useless. 

I’ve just started month 3, my final pack and I think that’s the end of my Cerelle relationship. All the sides effects are still there and I’m certain this is heading towards depression. In 3 short months I’ve completely forgotten how to feel or be my normal self. I love my boyfriend and myself far too much to let this pill impact my mental and physical health like this. 

It still puzzles me that women have to put up with this shit. How hard can it really be to make contraception with less or no side effects?! 

Too Soon

I’ve been brought up to believe relationships shouldn’t be rushed. You should always take your time..move slowly. Get to know one another properly before launching yourself into serious life changing decisions and events.

I’ve always passed judgement on others doing things quickly in relationships; moving in, getting pregnant, getting engaged and married after what seems like two minutes. “It’ll never work”has always been my mantra with these situations.  

Everything needs at least a year. I know some situations can’t be helped, but it’s always best to wait – isn’t it?

What I thought I knew

Isn’t it funny when someone breaks your heart. Not literally funny, but how that moment of heart break seemingly changes everything.

The deep despair you feel.

The rawness of emotions running through your veins and cascading through your body, with every pump of your heart.

The loneliness you feel and how you’re certain nobody will ever understand what you’re going through.

And the feeling that that’s it…you will never recover from your heart-ache. You will never meet someone that makes you feel that deeply again, or allow yourself to ever open your heart, body and soul to another person if you do.

Everything seems so final.  All your hopes, dreams and wishes dashed away. You’re left with only memories torn apart by grief and plans for a future you can only ever recall but never fulfil.

That person was your one and only, the one, your soulmate. Everything you became and were has now gone, with them, dropped like the last petal of a dry wilting rose.

In your wildest imagination, you simply can’t fathom the idea that you’ll ever recover…

Pregnancy envy

So this is a thing. I didn’t even know it was until I realised how envious I was at yet another pregnancy announcement. They just seem to be so frequent these days, I don’t understand why, or how! Well obviously I know how!

I had a dream a few months ago now that my sister was pregnant with twins. Usually these dreams for me signify actual pregnancy or illness. Just as I thought no more about it, a friend I hadn’t seen for a good while said she wanted to meet up for dinner.

I’d guessed she was pregnant before she actually confirmed she was. I congratulated her, of course I was happy for her. She deserves to be happy. But a part of me died inside for completely selfish reasons. I’ve lost another friend to the mummy brigade, I’m still not even close to ever having children of my own and that’s another person in life who’s got everything that I want.

I can tell you, it’s totally possible to smile and be happy for your friend whilst your heart fights back the desire in you to completely breakdown.

I sort of got over that. Then came another blow. A colleague entered the room one morning with a rather bloated looking belly and announced she was also expecting. Hmmm.

Why is everyone getting pregnant and I haven’t.

I know I’m not completely irrational about my feelings because someone else I know is having fertility problems and she struggles when other women announce their pregnancies. I feel jealous of her. She’s got everything in place. House, decent job, loving fiancee. I haven’t even got a quarter of that. She’d probably laugh at me if I told her I was jealous of her!

I know I’m doing that ridiculous ‘comparing myself to others’ that we as a society seem to do constantly,but I can’t help it.

Can people just stop procreating for a while please ­čśŽ

Anyone else have pregnancy envy?