Interviews, Am I thick?

I had an interview at work recently, for a position that honestly I didn’t want, but felt compelled to apply for.
The reason I felt compelled was due to it being something others have said I’d be good at… I had no real desire to actually do the job, as it’s a step up from the boring ass stuff I do already, just more boring stuff on a higher level.

Anyway, I did an application in two hours, put it in and was successful.

Now, my issue.. I’m no good at interviews! I already know this. I seldom get the jobs I’d like because I suck at them. After God knows how many years of putting myself through this, I still struggle. I’d never go for a high paid job just because I know id not get it. I know that’s a bad thing to say, but at 31 years of age, you just start to accept such things.
To help myself, usually, I don’t tell anyone. It’s extra pressure on myself if others know and then I have to tell them I was rubbish. Not a great feeling.

During this interview, it wasn’t as such that I got flustered, it was the questions posed. My mind couldn’t break down what it was they were trying to ask me to say. I don’t mind a three tier question, but the use of big, exhausting words is helping no one! I really struggled to understand what they meant. Having to ask someone to repeat a question too many times is horrid.
I was called back to inform that I’d been unsuccessful, which of course was no great surprise. But, she said “I strongly advise you to get feedback”. I know i need feedback, but when you hear time and time again, that “you need to answer the question with an example of when you did this or that”… When the issue is that the question is too complex for you to even understand, how can you even give an example?

Can I put in a request for ‘dumbed down’ wording…Of course not, that’s ridiculous!

I’m starting to wonder now if I actually have some sort of learning/social difficulty? Am I a bit thick? Can I get help with whatever this problem is? I really don’t know, but it’s starting to bother me and it’s ruining my chances of ever being successful 😦

The dating game

I don’t know if anyone else does this, or if it’s just me.

If you’ve not had sex in a while and you start dating again, things tend to get a little hot and heavy and you’ve gotta stave things off for a while. Well, I do anyway. It makes me feel a lot better about myself and my general standards if I haven’t slept with a new guy after a handful of dates or the first month (depending upon frequency of dates).

I tend to employ the following tactics to ensure such things don’t happen sooner than necessary:

Not shaving.
I know most men don’t give a stuff, but I don’t feel comfortable sleeping with a guy for the first time if I’m not hair free and smooth.
When you don’t date much, or aren’t a frequenter of one night stands, and especially in the winter, you tend to let the personal grooming slip a little! I’m not saying I completely neglect it, but if I’m the only one that’s seeing me naked on a daily basis for quite some time, I don’t see much need to keep it up! Silky smooth legs, a Hollywood, Brazilian, or a Vajazzle isn’t necessary for double clicking the mouse!!
So no shave = no sex.

Not tidying up.
I live in a shared house, so I literally live in my room. My whole life is pretty much in my room. I can be fairly messy sometimes, with clothes, underwear and cosmetics strewn about the place. However, I don’t want to bring a guy back to mess. I don’t want them seeing how I live haha. Like that episode of friends where Ross dated that really messy girl! That situation is my worst nightmare… Well, one of them! So, by keeping my room messy = no sex.

Big girl pants/matching underwear.
I always want my first time with someone new to be amazing and sexy. For me, underwear plays a big part in that. I’m not much of a matching underwear daily kind of girl. I have similar colours on, but I wouldn’t make the effort to match just for a normal day. When you’re undressing each other, there needs to be pretty underwear waiting to be revealed. I’ve noticed that some men notice and appreciate this. Also, like that scene from Bridget Jones Diary, apple catchers are a huggge passion killer (unless you’re sleeping with Hugh Grant!) Big pants and non matching undies = no sex.

Neutral territory.
I’m not going to have sex in a restaurant, at the cinema, in the bowling alley, ice skating rink or in the park (not without getting arrested). No going to each others houses for the first few dates. This will always lead to everything up to and including sex. Well, it will for me. So neutral territory = no sex.

So those are my 4 rules. 90% of the time, they work very well for me. I know everyone is different and it’s down to the individual when they choose to sleep with a new partner, be it the 1st or 50th date. Just be sure it’s what you want even in the heat of the moment!!

Crazy In Love

I’ve been in love with the same man now for 4 years.
Considering he doesn’t love me back, this is hard.

Since we broke up, I’ve been trying to get over him, but to no avail. I honestly believe I’m going to be in love with him for the rest of my life. This scares me. Although he doesn’t love me, he won’t let me go. He selfishly wants me in his life. I’ve tried time and time again to leave, to walk away from our friendship but I can’t because I’m weak. He makes me weak.
I’ve never felt about other men the way I feel about him. Everyone I’ve met since him, pail in comparison. They don’t even scratch the surface.

From the second I saw him, I wanted him. Even when I see him now, I still get excited. I still feel the buzz of electricity when he touches me, and go weak at the knees and feel the flip of my stomach when his stare lingers. We still smile and laugh together as we reminisce about old times. Feel our hearts race and our skin blush as we talk about our intimate encounters from we were together, and when we weren’t…. He remembers every single detail.

He knows me better than anyone else, even myself.

I wish I knew what he wanted, I wish he’d tell me. I wish he’d tell himself.

Capabilities and Perceptions

Do people perceive you completely different to how you perceive yourself?
Are you more capable than you give yourself credit for?

Currently I work for Probation in an admin support role. It’s a job that I’m more than grateful for, as I fell into it, the pay is decent and I enjoy admin to a certain extent. It isn’t however, the role I intend on doing forever.

The role I sort of set my sights on within this organisation, is as a Probation Service Officer (PSO), which is pretty much the same as a Probation officer (PO), you’re just exposed to less risks. I applied for the role a few months back, but wasn’t successful.

The role has come up again and I was considering it, but part of me was thinking perhaps I’m not good enough… Maybe my experiences and knowledge isn’t quite good enough to provide that level of support to someone, or to help them change their lives in such a way.
I’m doubting myself because I’ve never done it before and not sure if I’d be any good.

I had an appointment with my bank the other week and the lady I was speaking to asked me where I worked. I told her and she looked at me agasp! Apparently she didn’t expect me to work in that sort of area, and she didn’t expect me to be a probation officer. I didnt correct her assumption, perhaps I should’ve, but I didn’t. I liked her assumption. Although she obviously didn’t think I was capable, I liked it.

A few other people I’ve said this too, assume I’m a PO. Some I’ve corrected, others I have neglected to.
I’m not sure I understand why everyone thinks the Probation service is just full of POs and no other staff!

One of my colleagues, who’s the same age as me, fantastic at the job (PO), and who I have a lot of respect for, told me I should apply for the PSO role. One of the police officers I work with, on hearing I was moving to a different team (I’m yet to blog about this), asked if it was to become a PSO. I alerted him to the fact that it wasn’t.

Again, both of these comments made me feel really good about myself and the way others perceive my capabilities, especially people I have a lot of respect for.
Being a PSO/PO isn’t for everyone. Dealing with offenders requires a fair bit of skill. It’s not an easy job! Being responsible for someone’s welfare and wellbeing in the community is a tough task, or at least, I perceive it to be. If you get it wrong, on your head be it,  there’s a lot of criticism, especially from the public! However, there are people who think im capable of doing this even though I have no first hand experience.

So, depending on the requirements, I better get an application in! This has given me the confidence I was lacking. I can bloody do this!

A Scorpio’s tale

I know a lot of people don’t believe in horoscopes and star signs, but ive come to realise mine pretty much rings true. I believe in it that much, I even got the Scorpio ‘M’ tattooed on my foot.

A few months ago, I was told that I’m very much similar to someone that I don’t really see eye to eye with. This person presents to me as cruel, deceitful and incredibly moody. So imagine my shock! To say I was gutted and upset was an understatement. I laughed it off, but deep down it made me question myself, my personality.

According to what’s written, I could probably be described as a typical Scorpio.
We are incredibly stubborn, moody, competitive, determined and resentful. Jealous, obsessive, loyal, passionate, and observant. A mixture of good and bad it would seem. Ha, from reading the above, I sound like an absolute delight!!
I’m also extremely sensitive. Whether this is a Scorpio thing, or just plain old me remains to be seen. I over think things all the time and take things to heart. I’m also the most emotional person I know. I cry over everything and anything.  Particular scenes in films make my skin prickle and tears fall…(The scene in Sister Act 2 where Ahmal; the black African boy hits that ridiculously high note for one) My dad was very sensitive, maybe I get this from him.

I find it hard to forgive. If I’m hurt by someone in anyway, I’ll hold a grudge like no other. My best gay friend forgot my birthday year after year, so I stopped talking to him! How hard is it to put a yearly reminder in your phone huh?! He then replaced me with another ‘less cool and pretty’ hag and didn’t invite me to his wedding, only the reception. It’s been 2 years since we last spoke!  That’s how bad I am!  😦 To be fair to myself, I think the lack of invite to the wedding and only mentioning it the day before gives me a right to be pissed about that!

I’m almost certain my dad was a Scorpio too. What an earth was my ma thinking. What an awful time to engage in sexual activity with another scorpion! From what I remember my dad was the same as me. We fell out a few years before he died and thinking of it now, I think he was too stubborn just to say he got it wrong and he was sorry. He sent me a letter apparently, but I told him I never got it. I didnt, but he was sure I did, and he got in a mood with me because of it. Silly really, but that’s how silly we can be. Holding a grudge just because you’re too proud to say “I’m sorry, I got it wrong.”

My levels of intensity are deep and quite extreme. Maybe that’s why I’m so emotional. I feel everything, more than most, and more than what is perhaps normal. When I’m in love, it’s quite scary. My feelings are so strong, I’m almost consumed by them. I guess that’s where the jealousy, obsession and passion comes from. I could literally love someone to death. Nat King Cole sang that song about this fellow Scorpion… “When I fall in love, it will be forever.”

I’ve been described by guys as enchanting, secretive and dangerous. I don’t know how, but I must be exuding some sort of chemical that makes them say things like that. Maybe it’s because I play my cards close to my heart. I don’t feel the need to tell someone how I’m feeling if I’m not sure they feel the same. No one likes getting hurt. I told my ex I loved him for the first time during an argument! I was too scared to say it when I felt it because it seemed so soon and I wasn’t ready for him to reply with “Er, thanks.” The last time I said I loved him, he said nothing back! This is the very reason I don’t disclose my feelings…. That hurt. A lot!

I also find people to be incredibly nosy. They want to know all about your business, but they’re less quick to tell you theirs! People often paint me as the shy person in the group. Apparently Scorpios have a tendency to be introverted. Im not shy, im observant. More often than not, I’ll sit back and observe behaviour, watch other people. It’s a very good way of finding out who’s worth your time and who isn’t!  I like to learn very quickly who I can trust, as too many people cant be trusted. My mum taught me this, but ive mostly learnt the hard way. Im not sure its a downfall of mine, as I find it a very useful tool. It’s usually the people who talk the most, that have the least interesting things to say, mostly because they gossip about what they know about you! Quieter people can be deeper. Im not about the ‘reveal all’… I play my cards close to my chest!
A guy that I dated was shocked to find out I wasn’t the goody two shoes I made myself out to be. A colleague at work was surprised when I bought my backpack into work even though id been talking about my trip for the past few months. I couldn’t have been happier to find that out; I love surprising people.

I think my determination is my favourite part of myself. I literally won’t give up on something I want if I think there’s even a tiny chance I might get it. I once applied and got interviewed for a job three times before I got it. First time not enough experience; the second time, someone was just a little better than me, third time, nailed it! This was over the course of a year a think. Once I set my mind to something, regardless of obstacles, it’s happening.

I’m incredibly loyal and honest to people i love and those who are important to me. If a friend tells me something she/he doesn’t want anyone else to know, it’ll go no further. I will battle to support my family and friends with any matter, problem or issue, but if I think you’re being an idiot, I will tell you!

So that’s a little incite into Scorpions and me. It’s not all bad, some of them are great qualities to have, and they’re what makes me, me. Despite my Scorpio flaws, the people I have in my life, love me for me and i like myself too, a fair bit! 🙂

Are there any other Scorpios out there that can relate to my craziness?!
Any other people who feel their zodiac-signs ring true?

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Hoarder Extraordinaire

So, as I mentioned in a previous post They’ve changed me… im planning a trip to South East Asia. Its now just around the corner eeek. I was getting really excited and planning things. I use the term planning very loosely. Id sorted clothes, located passport and was just getting last minute bits and bobs sorted when my housemate dropped a bombshell. We’ve all got to be out by 1st November!!!! Considering I don’t get back until 9th November,  this is going to cause me some problems. After some hyperventilating and a minor panic attack,  I calmed down enough to think of a plan.

Due to my “holiday” costing me a small fortune, I can’t afford to move into a big fancy house, with lush housemates and, as Hyacinth Bucket would call it, “room for a pony”, I decided a temporary measure would be more cost effective. I looked to gumtree and found some rooms for short term rent. The one ive decided on is a small single. When I say small, I literally mean, theres enough room for a single bed and the door has to open outwards onto the hallway!! The family are lovely, there’s a very cute poodle and they literally provide EVERYTHING!! Although this is great, it means I have to go from a big double, to a tiny single. Since ive been in Cardiff, ive bought a lot of stuff. I have a HUGE storage box just for my shoes!

Today I set about trying to downsize. Considering im a hoarder, this is a mammoth task. I literally keep everything and anything sentimental. I think it has to do with the fact that im a very emotional person. There are stories and reasons and feelings behind everything I keep. Plus, my mum is a massive hoarder and so was my dad, so I seemed to have inherited this defective gene!

I started on the wardrobe and only managed to rid it of about 5 items. I was bitterly disappointed. There are dresses in there I haven’t worn for at least 5 years, but they still remain on the hanger. I also came across my old uni sports tracksuit top. Not worn for years, but that’s not something im even prepared to let go.
Next was the chest of drawers. I gutted them good and proper. So well, I can now close them properly!! What couldn’t I part with? The mint green skirt I wore on my 21st birthday.  Doesn’t really fit antmore, but its going nowhere. 
At this point, there’s a whole black bin bag full of stuff.
The top of the wardrobe saw the demise of about three scarves and a whole load of sports gear I haven’t worn for two years,whilst the bottom is now free from some old toiletries I never used.  Bedding, as well as clothes I couldn’t sell on ebay are now in the second black bin bag. I was going to take it to a YMCA  recycling bin, but Gareth advised me to take it to cash for clothes and make a few ££££’s. I guess it makes sense. 50p per kilo, so I’ll make a couple of quid.
A storage basket behind my tv was home to lots of little white candles, an old broken necklace and a Welsh Love Spoon Gareth bought me for Christmas I think, many moons ago. Ive kept those. The bits of necklace are for the bin….my jewellery making days are probably long gone now.
Ive still got under my bed and a “man drawer” to go through, but that’ll wait for tomorrow.

Thankfully this hasn’t been too bad of a cleansing experience. Its amazing how much crap I’ve accumulated. I didn’t think id have TWO black bin bags full of stuff. Id love to live minimalistic, but its just not me. Perhaps i just need a house of my own to fill with years of stuff! I like the memories and the emotions that sorting through old stuff leaves me with. Who doesn’t love nostalgia eh….?
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Do you hoard your memories?