Looking forward and wishing

As I set another countdown for another weekend away, I’m wondering if it’s a good thing to look forward to future plans you’ve made.

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I’m finding myself sort of stuck living in the future and I think it’s a bit weird. What’s wrong with wanting to live for the present, for the moment?

I was thinking of the things I was looking forward to, and before I realised it, that was 2015 all done and dusted. It’s not long started and we’re nearly a quarter way through already.
What did it was knowing in February 2016 my credit card will all be paid off and I’ll be debt free… In one thought I have literally wished away a whole year! I’ll be happier knowing it’s all paid off, but between now and then, I’d like the months to pass by slowly so I can enjoy them.
Everything is “I can’t wait for” or “I’m so looking forward to…”

Life really does pass you by in the blink of an eye. Since I got to 21, it seems like just a blur of years.
I’m starting to wonder if it’s even possible to live in the moment? What would that even entail? I’m not sure I’ve ever lived in the present.

People say you need to have things to look forward to. That’s how we get through the days/weeks. Most of us live for the weekend. But isn’t that how you get through the day if you’re unhappy with how things are? Or is looking forward, making plans and doing fun and exciting things, what makes life worth living?

Is your life one big countdown to the future? Or, do you live in the moment, all carefree, waiting for what life will bring?

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Should I be sad?

Now all the anger has subsided from JJ cutting short our dating adventure together,  all I’m left with is hurt. Im hurt, but im questioning whether I have the right to be.

The whole thing from first kiss, to the state of shock he left me in on Thursday, lasted 2 months. I almost feel like im not allowed to feel this way as it was a short adventure and i spent 4 weeks of it not physically seeing him everyday. We work together, so part of the fun, thrills and excitement was in the secret glances, touches and smiles we did in the office without our colleagues noticing.
The 4 weeks we spent dating were so much fun…sneaking off for kisses, going out for food and drinks. Spending nights cuddled up, watching films, making jokes and laughing.

I think im hurt more because it was such a shock. Literally over a period of 24 hours, he decided he didn’t want to date me anymore as he wasn’t ready to be serious. Wednesday morning we were planning our romantic meal, Thursday morning he decided otherwise.

Is there a certain time frame in which one should mourn a break up? Is there a ratio? Number of weeks, months years spent together/x time?

All I know is that I feel sad, this Valentines weekend has sucked and I miss him.

I’m angry at myself

I’m angry at myself for not following my rules.

I’m angry at myself for letting someone get to know me.

I’m angry at myself for sleeping with him.

I’m angry at myself for the way he made me feel.

I’m angry at myself because I let him in.

I’m angry at myself for making future plans.

I’m angry at myself because I liked him.

I’m angry at myself because he saw me naked.

I’m angry at myself because I missed him when he was gone.

I’m angry at myself because now I feel like I wasn’t enough.

I’m angry at myself because I feel used.

Tonight he told me he didn’t want to be in a relationship. I’m angry at HIM.

Periods – PMS hell

I hate that time of the month. Some of my months come and go without too much hassle, but this month is not a good one… My uterus be all…

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I still have a week to go, yet I’m being battered by PMS. And I feel horrendous. There is absolutely nothing wrong with my life, I actually quite like it, but on a bad month I feel so depressed and discontent. I’m questioning things… Why haven’t I got a better job? Why don’t I own my own house? Why aren’t I married with babies? Why are people more successful than me? Why do I feel so insignificant? Why, why, why? Someone pass me some fecking testosterone, I need to grow some balls and man the fuck up!!!

The girl did good!

I figured I should do a follow up to my post Capabilities and Perceptions and say how I got on.

I submitted the application after tweaking it a bit from last time and sat back and waited all nervous and whatnot.

I got a rather excited email from my bestie at work to say “YOU’VE GOT A LETTER”…. Oooh, queue the nervous, heart beating out of my chest situation. Ripping open the letter revealed I was invited to interview. YES! The excitement and happiness was rapidly replaced by extreme worry and that sick feeling of actually having to attend the interview!!

I decided to ask some colleagues for help and make a shed load of notes, I was determined not to fail. I thought of examples, remembering what questions I was asked previously, as they’re bound to be similar. I remembered exactly 2!! Great help. With the help of others, I managed to think of examples for another question.

The day of the interview came round and I was particularly stressed, nervous, hadn’t slept for over a week. Questions were fogging my head as I tried to remember what I needed to say. The panel were at least 20minutes behind, this did nothing for my state of mind!
I walked in, sat down, listened and drank plenty of water. Nothing worse than the dry mouth sensation, with sticky words attempting to form some conhererent sentence. Think brain, think. Don’t fail me now, please.
4 questions I answered so well, too well, two questions I got stuck.. 1 with promoting and added a few extras, I got in the end. The other, my mind flagged, the words forgotten, I ended doubting what I’d said. 5/6 pretty bloody awesome considering I’ve got previous for being shit!
I walked out, head held high. Surely I have it?
That night, the analysis starts… Go through everything I said… Just that one question, everything else is was great. Relax girl, feel proud, stop stressing. Just waiting… Upto 6 weeks they said.

5 days later, I’m doing my nut. That question, argh, I know the words, I know the values I needed to say, why brain why?! I can’t do this for another 5 weeks, I’ll go insane.
My manager says, Thursday, you’ll know. Really, so soon. Thank god.
Thursday comes.. People are hearing. I’ve heard nothing 😦 No news is good news. I went home early, I couldn’t cope, I felt sick.

Friday morning, I couldn’t sleep, so I went through my emails. I found one in the junk folder, titled PSO recruitment. First thought, “Oh Fuck, they’ve emailed me, I haven’t got it”. I opened the email. My suspicions were confirmed. I read more.. “However the recruitment panel were very impressed by you at interview and asked that we keep your application live. This means that should a further position become available in the near future, we will contact you with an offer of a position.”

Gutted as I was that I wasn’t quite good enough, for the first time in forever, I have gone for a job with a decent salary and impressed people that much. Not enough that I could be offered a position, but enough to be offered the job should someone else drop out. That’s good enough for me. It shows I am more than capable, and other people have some confidence in my ability to do that job.

I’m hoping and praying someone drops out. Until then, I feel safe in the knowledge that I did well. I’m feeling more confident and I’m oh so bloody proud of myself! I finally did an interview without looking like a clueless jumbled up knobber. The girl done good 👍

Interviews, Am I thick?

I had an interview at work recently, for a position that honestly I didn’t want, but felt compelled to apply for.
The reason I felt compelled was due to it being something others have said I’d be good at… I had no real desire to actually do the job, as it’s a step up from the boring ass stuff I do already, just more boring stuff on a higher level.

Anyway, I did an application in two hours, put it in and was successful.

Now, my issue.. I’m no good at interviews! I already know this. I seldom get the jobs I’d like because I suck at them. After God knows how many years of putting myself through this, I still struggle. I’d never go for a high paid job just because I know id not get it. I know that’s a bad thing to say, but at 31 years of age, you just start to accept such things.
To help myself, usually, I don’t tell anyone. It’s extra pressure on myself if others know and then I have to tell them I was rubbish. Not a great feeling.

During this interview, it wasn’t as such that I got flustered, it was the questions posed. My mind couldn’t break down what it was they were trying to ask me to say. I don’t mind a three tier question, but the use of big, exhausting words is helping no one! I really struggled to understand what they meant. Having to ask someone to repeat a question too many times is horrid.
I was called back to inform that I’d been unsuccessful, which of course was no great surprise. But, she said “I strongly advise you to get feedback”. I know i need feedback, but when you hear time and time again, that “you need to answer the question with an example of when you did this or that”… When the issue is that the question is too complex for you to even understand, how can you even give an example?

Can I put in a request for ‘dumbed down’ wording…Of course not, that’s ridiculous!

I’m starting to wonder now if I actually have some sort of learning/social difficulty? Am I a bit thick? Can I get help with whatever this problem is? I really don’t know, but it’s starting to bother me and it’s ruining my chances of ever being successful 😦