Periods – PMS hell

I hate that time of the month. Some of my months come and go without too much hassle, but this month is not a good one… My uterus be all…

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I still have a week to go, yet I’m being battered by PMS. And I feel horrendous. There is absolutely nothing wrong with my life, I actually quite like it, but on a bad month I feel so depressed and discontent. I’m questioning things… Why haven’t I got a better job? Why don’t I own my own house? Why aren’t I married with babies? Why are people more successful than me? Why do I feel so insignificant? Why, why, why? Someone pass me some fecking testosterone, I need to grow some balls and man the fuck up!!!

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The girl did good!

I figured I should do a follow up to my post Capabilities and Perceptions and say how I got on.

I submitted the application after tweaking it a bit from last time and sat back and waited all nervous and whatnot.

I got a rather excited email from my bestie at work to say “YOU’VE GOT A LETTER”…. Oooh, queue the nervous, heart beating out of my chest situation. Ripping open the letter revealed I was invited to interview. YES! The excitement and happiness was rapidly replaced by extreme worry and that sick feeling of actually having to attend the interview!!

I decided to ask some colleagues for help and make a shed load of notes, I was determined not to fail. I thought of examples, remembering what questions I was asked previously, as they’re bound to be similar. I remembered exactly 2!! Great help. With the help of others, I managed to think of examples for another question.

The day of the interview came round and I was particularly stressed, nervous, hadn’t slept for over a week. Questions were fogging my head as I tried to remember what I needed to say. The panel were at least 20minutes behind, this did nothing for my state of mind!
I walked in, sat down, listened and drank plenty of water. Nothing worse than the dry mouth sensation, with sticky words attempting to form some conhererent sentence. Think brain, think. Don’t fail me now, please.
4 questions I answered so well, too well, two questions I got stuck.. 1 with promoting and added a few extras, I got in the end. The other, my mind flagged, the words forgotten, I ended doubting what I’d said. 5/6 pretty bloody awesome considering I’ve got previous for being shit!
I walked out, head held high. Surely I have it?
That night, the analysis starts… Go through everything I said… Just that one question, everything else is was great. Relax girl, feel proud, stop stressing. Just waiting… Upto 6 weeks they said.

5 days later, I’m doing my nut. That question, argh, I know the words, I know the values I needed to say, why brain why?! I can’t do this for another 5 weeks, I’ll go insane.
My manager says, Thursday, you’ll know. Really, so soon. Thank god.
Thursday comes.. People are hearing. I’ve heard nothing 😦 No news is good news. I went home early, I couldn’t cope, I felt sick.

Friday morning, I couldn’t sleep, so I went through my emails. I found one in the junk folder, titled PSO recruitment. First thought, “Oh Fuck, they’ve emailed me, I haven’t got it”. I opened the email. My suspicions were confirmed. I read more.. “However the recruitment panel were very impressed by you at interview and asked that we keep your application live. This means that should a further position become available in the near future, we will contact you with an offer of a position.”

Gutted as I was that I wasn’t quite good enough, for the first time in forever, I have gone for a job with a decent salary and impressed people that much. Not enough that I could be offered a position, but enough to be offered the job should someone else drop out. That’s good enough for me. It shows I am more than capable, and other people have some confidence in my ability to do that job.

I’m hoping and praying someone drops out. Until then, I feel safe in the knowledge that I did well. I’m feeling more confident and I’m oh so bloody proud of myself! I finally did an interview without looking like a clueless jumbled up knobber. The girl done good 👍

Interviews, Am I thick?

I had an interview at work recently, for a position that honestly I didn’t want, but felt compelled to apply for.
The reason I felt compelled was due to it being something others have said I’d be good at… I had no real desire to actually do the job, as it’s a step up from the boring ass stuff I do already, just more boring stuff on a higher level.

Anyway, I did an application in two hours, put it in and was successful.

Now, my issue.. I’m no good at interviews! I already know this. I seldom get the jobs I’d like because I suck at them. After God knows how many years of putting myself through this, I still struggle. I’d never go for a high paid job just because I know id not get it. I know that’s a bad thing to say, but at 31 years of age, you just start to accept such things.
To help myself, usually, I don’t tell anyone. It’s extra pressure on myself if others know and then I have to tell them I was rubbish. Not a great feeling.

During this interview, it wasn’t as such that I got flustered, it was the questions posed. My mind couldn’t break down what it was they were trying to ask me to say. I don’t mind a three tier question, but the use of big, exhausting words is helping no one! I really struggled to understand what they meant. Having to ask someone to repeat a question too many times is horrid.
I was called back to inform that I’d been unsuccessful, which of course was no great surprise. But, she said “I strongly advise you to get feedback”. I know i need feedback, but when you hear time and time again, that “you need to answer the question with an example of when you did this or that”… When the issue is that the question is too complex for you to even understand, how can you even give an example?

Can I put in a request for ‘dumbed down’ wording…Of course not, that’s ridiculous!

I’m starting to wonder now if I actually have some sort of learning/social difficulty? Am I a bit thick? Can I get help with whatever this problem is? I really don’t know, but it’s starting to bother me and it’s ruining my chances of ever being successful 😦

The dating game

I don’t know if anyone else does this, or if it’s just me.

If you’ve not had sex in a while and you start dating again, things tend to get a little hot and heavy and you’ve gotta stave things off for a while. Well, I do anyway. It makes me feel a lot better about myself and my general standards if I haven’t slept with a new guy after a handful of dates or the first month (depending upon frequency of dates).

I tend to employ the following tactics to ensure such things don’t happen sooner than necessary:

Not shaving.
I know most men don’t give a stuff, but I don’t feel comfortable sleeping with a guy for the first time if I’m not hair free and smooth.
When you don’t date much, or aren’t a frequenter of one night stands, and especially in the winter, you tend to let the personal grooming slip a little! I’m not saying I completely neglect it, but if I’m the only one that’s seeing me naked on a daily basis for quite some time, I don’t see much need to keep it up! Silky smooth legs, a Hollywood, Brazilian, or a Vajazzle isn’t necessary for double clicking the mouse!!
So no shave = no sex.

Not tidying up.
I live in a shared house, so I literally live in my room. My whole life is pretty much in my room. I can be fairly messy sometimes, with clothes, underwear and cosmetics strewn about the place. However, I don’t want to bring a guy back to mess. I don’t want them seeing how I live haha. Like that episode of friends where Ross dated that really messy girl! That situation is my worst nightmare… Well, one of them! So, by keeping my room messy = no sex.

Big girl pants/matching underwear.
I always want my first time with someone new to be amazing and sexy. For me, underwear plays a big part in that. I’m not much of a matching underwear daily kind of girl. I have similar colours on, but I wouldn’t make the effort to match just for a normal day. When you’re undressing each other, there needs to be pretty underwear waiting to be revealed. I’ve noticed that some men notice and appreciate this. Also, like that scene from Bridget Jones Diary, apple catchers are a huggge passion killer (unless you’re sleeping with Hugh Grant!) Big pants and non matching undies = no sex.

Neutral territory.
I’m not going to have sex in a restaurant, at the cinema, in the bowling alley, ice skating rink or in the park (not without getting arrested). No going to each others houses for the first few dates. This will always lead to everything up to and including sex. Well, it will for me. So neutral territory = no sex.

So those are my 4 rules. 90% of the time, they work very well for me. I know everyone is different and it’s down to the individual when they choose to sleep with a new partner, be it the 1st or 50th date. Just be sure it’s what you want even in the heat of the moment!!

Crazy In Love

I’ve been in love with the same man now for 4 years.
Considering he doesn’t love me back, this is hard.

Since we broke up, I’ve been trying to get over him, but to no avail. I honestly believe I’m going to be in love with him for the rest of my life. This scares me. Although he doesn’t love me, he won’t let me go. He selfishly wants me in his life. I’ve tried time and time again to leave, to walk away from our friendship but I can’t because I’m weak. He makes me weak.
I’ve never felt about other men the way I feel about him. Everyone I’ve met since him, pail in comparison. They don’t even scratch the surface.

From the second I saw him, I wanted him. Even when I see him now, I still get excited. I still feel the buzz of electricity when he touches me, and go weak at the knees and feel the flip of my stomach when his stare lingers. We still smile and laugh together as we reminisce about old times. Feel our hearts race and our skin blush as we talk about our intimate encounters from we were together, and when we weren’t…. He remembers every single detail.

He knows me better than anyone else, even myself.

I wish I knew what he wanted, I wish he’d tell me. I wish he’d tell himself.

Capabilities and Perceptions

Do people perceive you completely different to how you perceive yourself?
Are you more capable than you give yourself credit for?

Currently I work for Probation in an admin support role. It’s a job that I’m more than grateful for, as I fell into it, the pay is decent and I enjoy admin to a certain extent. It isn’t however, the role I intend on doing forever.

The role I sort of set my sights on within this organisation, is as a Probation Service Officer (PSO), which is pretty much the same as a Probation officer (PO), you’re just exposed to less risks. I applied for the role a few months back, but wasn’t successful.

The role has come up again and I was considering it, but part of me was thinking perhaps I’m not good enough… Maybe my experiences and knowledge isn’t quite good enough to provide that level of support to someone, or to help them change their lives in such a way.
I’m doubting myself because I’ve never done it before and not sure if I’d be any good.

I had an appointment with my bank the other week and the lady I was speaking to asked me where I worked. I told her and she looked at me agasp! Apparently she didn’t expect me to work in that sort of area, and she didn’t expect me to be a probation officer. I didnt correct her assumption, perhaps I should’ve, but I didn’t. I liked her assumption. Although she obviously didn’t think I was capable, I liked it.

A few other people I’ve said this too, assume I’m a PO. Some I’ve corrected, others I have neglected to.
I’m not sure I understand why everyone thinks the Probation service is just full of POs and no other staff!

One of my colleagues, who’s the same age as me, fantastic at the job (PO), and who I have a lot of respect for, told me I should apply for the PSO role. One of the police officers I work with, on hearing I was moving to a different team (I’m yet to blog about this), asked if it was to become a PSO. I alerted him to the fact that it wasn’t.

Again, both of these comments made me feel really good about myself and the way others perceive my capabilities, especially people I have a lot of respect for.
Being a PSO/PO isn’t for everyone. Dealing with offenders requires a fair bit of skill. It’s not an easy job! Being responsible for someone’s welfare and wellbeing in the community is a tough task, or at least, I perceive it to be. If you get it wrong, on your head be it,  there’s a lot of criticism, especially from the public! However, there are people who think im capable of doing this even though I have no first hand experience.

So, depending on the requirements, I better get an application in! This has given me the confidence I was lacking. I can bloody do this!