The dating game

I don’t know if anyone else does this, or if it’s just me.

If you’ve not had sex in a while and you start dating again, things tend to get a little hot and heavy and you’ve gotta stave things off for a while. Well, I do anyway. It makes me feel a lot better about myself and my general standards if I haven’t slept with a new guy after a handful of dates or the first month (depending upon frequency of dates).

I tend to employ the following tactics to ensure such things don’t happen sooner than necessary:

Not shaving.
I know most men don’t give a stuff, but I don’t feel comfortable sleeping with a guy for the first time if I’m not hair free and smooth.
When you don’t date much, or aren’t a frequenter of one night stands, and especially in the winter, you tend to let the personal grooming slip a little! I’m not saying I completely neglect it, but if I’m the only one that’s seeing me naked on a daily basis for quite some time, I don’t see much need to keep it up! Silky smooth legs, a Hollywood, Brazilian, or a Vajazzle isn’t necessary for double clicking the mouse!!
So no shave = no sex.

Not tidying up.
I live in a shared house, so I literally live in my room. My whole life is pretty much in my room. I can be fairly messy sometimes, with clothes, underwear and cosmetics strewn about the place. However, I don’t want to bring a guy back to mess. I don’t want them seeing how I live haha. Like that episode of friends where Ross dated that really messy girl! That situation is my worst nightmare… Well, one of them! So, by keeping my room messy = no sex.

Big girl pants/matching underwear.
I always want my first time with someone new to be amazing and sexy. For me, underwear plays a big part in that. I’m not much of a matching underwear daily kind of girl. I have similar colours on, but I wouldn’t make the effort to match just for a normal day. When you’re undressing each other, there needs to be pretty underwear waiting to be revealed. I’ve noticed that some men notice and appreciate this. Also, like that scene from Bridget Jones Diary, apple catchers are a huggge passion killer (unless you’re sleeping with Hugh Grant!) Big pants and non matching undies = no sex.

Neutral territory.
I’m not going to have sex in a restaurant, at the cinema, in the bowling alley, ice skating rink or in the park (not without getting arrested). No going to each others houses for the first few dates. This will always lead to everything up to and including sex. Well, it will for me. So neutral territory = no sex.

So those are my 4 rules. 90% of the time, they work very well for me. I know everyone is different and it’s down to the individual when they choose to sleep with a new partner, be it the 1st or 50th date. Just be sure it’s what you want even in the heat of the moment!!


Crazy In Love

I’ve been in love with the same man now for 4 years.
Considering he doesn’t love me back, this is hard.

Since we broke up, I’ve been trying to get over him, but to no avail. I honestly believe I’m going to be in love with him for the rest of my life. This scares me. Although he doesn’t love me, he won’t let me go. He selfishly wants me in his life. I’ve tried time and time again to leave, to walk away from our friendship but I can’t because I’m weak. He makes me weak.
I’ve never felt about other men the way I feel about him. Everyone I’ve met since him, pail in comparison. They don’t even scratch the surface.

From the second I saw him, I wanted him. Even when I see him now, I still get excited. I still feel the buzz of electricity when he touches me, and go weak at the knees and feel the flip of my stomach when his stare lingers. We still smile and laugh together as we reminisce about old times. Feel our hearts race and our skin blush as we talk about our intimate encounters from we were together, and when we weren’t…. He remembers every single detail.

He knows me better than anyone else, even myself.

I wish I knew what he wanted, I wish he’d tell me. I wish he’d tell himself.

Capabilities and Perceptions

Do people perceive you completely different to how you perceive yourself?
Are you more capable than you give yourself credit for?

Currently I work for Probation in an admin support role. It’s a job that I’m more than grateful for, as I fell into it, the pay is decent and I enjoy admin to a certain extent. It isn’t however, the role I intend on doing forever.

The role I sort of set my sights on within this organisation, is as a Probation Service Officer (PSO), which is pretty much the same as a Probation officer (PO), you’re just exposed to less risks. I applied for the role a few months back, but wasn’t successful.

The role has come up again and I was considering it, but part of me was thinking perhaps I’m not good enough… Maybe my experiences and knowledge isn’t quite good enough to provide that level of support to someone, or to help them change their lives in such a way.
I’m doubting myself because I’ve never done it before and not sure if I’d be any good.

I had an appointment with my bank the other week and the lady I was speaking to asked me where I worked. I told her and she looked at me agasp! Apparently she didn’t expect me to work in that sort of area, and she didn’t expect me to be a probation officer. I didnt correct her assumption, perhaps I should’ve, but I didn’t. I liked her assumption. Although she obviously didn’t think I was capable, I liked it.

A few other people I’ve said this too, assume I’m a PO. Some I’ve corrected, others I have neglected to.
I’m not sure I understand why everyone thinks the Probation service is just full of POs and no other staff!

One of my colleagues, who’s the same age as me, fantastic at the job (PO), and who I have a lot of respect for, told me I should apply for the PSO role. One of the police officers I work with, on hearing I was moving to a different team (I’m yet to blog about this), asked if it was to become a PSO. I alerted him to the fact that it wasn’t.

Again, both of these comments made me feel really good about myself and the way others perceive my capabilities, especially people I have a lot of respect for.
Being a PSO/PO isn’t for everyone. Dealing with offenders requires a fair bit of skill. It’s not an easy job! Being responsible for someone’s welfare and wellbeing in the community is a tough task, or at least, I perceive it to be. If you get it wrong, on your head be it,  there’s a lot of criticism, especially from the public! However, there are people who think im capable of doing this even though I have no first hand experience.

So, depending on the requirements, I better get an application in! This has given me the confidence I was lacking. I can bloody do this!

A Scorpio’s tale

I know a lot of people don’t believe in horoscopes and star signs, but ive come to realise mine pretty much rings true. I believe in it that much, I even got the Scorpio ‘M’ tattooed on my foot.

A few months ago, I was told that I’m very much similar to someone that I don’t really see eye to eye with. This person presents to me as cruel, deceitful and incredibly moody. So imagine my shock! To say I was gutted and upset was an understatement. I laughed it off, but deep down it made me question myself, my personality.

According to what’s written, I could probably be described as a typical Scorpio.
We are incredibly stubborn, moody, competitive, determined and resentful. Jealous, obsessive, loyal, passionate, and observant. A mixture of good and bad it would seem. Ha, from reading the above, I sound like an absolute delight!!
I’m also extremely sensitive. Whether this is a Scorpio thing, or just plain old me remains to be seen. I over think things all the time and take things to heart. I’m also the most emotional person I know. I cry over everything and anything.  Particular scenes in films make my skin prickle and tears fall…(The scene in Sister Act 2 where Ahmal; the black African boy hits that ridiculously high note for one) My dad was very sensitive, maybe I get this from him.

I find it hard to forgive. If I’m hurt by someone in anyway, I’ll hold a grudge like no other. My best gay friend forgot my birthday year after year, so I stopped talking to him! How hard is it to put a yearly reminder in your phone huh?! He then replaced me with another ‘less cool and pretty’ hag and didn’t invite me to his wedding, only the reception. It’s been 2 years since we last spoke!  That’s how bad I am!  😦 To be fair to myself, I think the lack of invite to the wedding and only mentioning it the day before gives me a right to be pissed about that!

I’m almost certain my dad was a Scorpio too. What an earth was my ma thinking. What an awful time to engage in sexual activity with another scorpion! From what I remember my dad was the same as me. We fell out a few years before he died and thinking of it now, I think he was too stubborn just to say he got it wrong and he was sorry. He sent me a letter apparently, but I told him I never got it. I didnt, but he was sure I did, and he got in a mood with me because of it. Silly really, but that’s how silly we can be. Holding a grudge just because you’re too proud to say “I’m sorry, I got it wrong.”

My levels of intensity are deep and quite extreme. Maybe that’s why I’m so emotional. I feel everything, more than most, and more than what is perhaps normal. When I’m in love, it’s quite scary. My feelings are so strong, I’m almost consumed by them. I guess that’s where the jealousy, obsession and passion comes from. I could literally love someone to death. Nat King Cole sang that song about this fellow Scorpion… “When I fall in love, it will be forever.”

I’ve been described by guys as enchanting, secretive and dangerous. I don’t know how, but I must be exuding some sort of chemical that makes them say things like that. Maybe it’s because I play my cards close to my heart. I don’t feel the need to tell someone how I’m feeling if I’m not sure they feel the same. No one likes getting hurt. I told my ex I loved him for the first time during an argument! I was too scared to say it when I felt it because it seemed so soon and I wasn’t ready for him to reply with “Er, thanks.” The last time I said I loved him, he said nothing back! This is the very reason I don’t disclose my feelings…. That hurt. A lot!

I also find people to be incredibly nosy. They want to know all about your business, but they’re less quick to tell you theirs! People often paint me as the shy person in the group. Apparently Scorpios have a tendency to be introverted. Im not shy, im observant. More often than not, I’ll sit back and observe behaviour, watch other people. It’s a very good way of finding out who’s worth your time and who isn’t!  I like to learn very quickly who I can trust, as too many people cant be trusted. My mum taught me this, but ive mostly learnt the hard way. Im not sure its a downfall of mine, as I find it a very useful tool. It’s usually the people who talk the most, that have the least interesting things to say, mostly because they gossip about what they know about you! Quieter people can be deeper. Im not about the ‘reveal all’… I play my cards close to my chest!
A guy that I dated was shocked to find out I wasn’t the goody two shoes I made myself out to be. A colleague at work was surprised when I bought my backpack into work even though id been talking about my trip for the past few months. I couldn’t have been happier to find that out; I love surprising people.

I think my determination is my favourite part of myself. I literally won’t give up on something I want if I think there’s even a tiny chance I might get it. I once applied and got interviewed for a job three times before I got it. First time not enough experience; the second time, someone was just a little better than me, third time, nailed it! This was over the course of a year a think. Once I set my mind to something, regardless of obstacles, it’s happening.

I’m incredibly loyal and honest to people i love and those who are important to me. If a friend tells me something she/he doesn’t want anyone else to know, it’ll go no further. I will battle to support my family and friends with any matter, problem or issue, but if I think you’re being an idiot, I will tell you!

So that’s a little incite into Scorpions and me. It’s not all bad, some of them are great qualities to have, and they’re what makes me, me. Despite my Scorpio flaws, the people I have in my life, love me for me and i like myself too, a fair bit! 🙂

Are there any other Scorpios out there that can relate to my craziness?!
Any other people who feel their zodiac-signs ring true?


Hoarder Extraordinaire

So, as I mentioned in a previous post They’ve changed me… im planning a trip to South East Asia. Its now just around the corner eeek. I was getting really excited and planning things. I use the term planning very loosely. Id sorted clothes, located passport and was just getting last minute bits and bobs sorted when my housemate dropped a bombshell. We’ve all got to be out by 1st November!!!! Considering I don’t get back until 9th November,  this is going to cause me some problems. After some hyperventilating and a minor panic attack,  I calmed down enough to think of a plan.

Due to my “holiday” costing me a small fortune, I can’t afford to move into a big fancy house, with lush housemates and, as Hyacinth Bucket would call it, “room for a pony”, I decided a temporary measure would be more cost effective. I looked to gumtree and found some rooms for short term rent. The one ive decided on is a small single. When I say small, I literally mean, theres enough room for a single bed and the door has to open outwards onto the hallway!! The family are lovely, there’s a very cute poodle and they literally provide EVERYTHING!! Although this is great, it means I have to go from a big double, to a tiny single. Since ive been in Cardiff, ive bought a lot of stuff. I have a HUGE storage box just for my shoes!

Today I set about trying to downsize. Considering im a hoarder, this is a mammoth task. I literally keep everything and anything sentimental. I think it has to do with the fact that im a very emotional person. There are stories and reasons and feelings behind everything I keep. Plus, my mum is a massive hoarder and so was my dad, so I seemed to have inherited this defective gene!

I started on the wardrobe and only managed to rid it of about 5 items. I was bitterly disappointed. There are dresses in there I haven’t worn for at least 5 years, but they still remain on the hanger. I also came across my old uni sports tracksuit top. Not worn for years, but that’s not something im even prepared to let go.
Next was the chest of drawers. I gutted them good and proper. So well, I can now close them properly!! What couldn’t I part with? The mint green skirt I wore on my 21st birthday.  Doesn’t really fit antmore, but its going nowhere. 
At this point, there’s a whole black bin bag full of stuff.
The top of the wardrobe saw the demise of about three scarves and a whole load of sports gear I haven’t worn for two years,whilst the bottom is now free from some old toiletries I never used.  Bedding, as well as clothes I couldn’t sell on ebay are now in the second black bin bag. I was going to take it to a YMCA  recycling bin, but Gareth advised me to take it to cash for clothes and make a few ££££’s. I guess it makes sense. 50p per kilo, so I’ll make a couple of quid.
A storage basket behind my tv was home to lots of little white candles, an old broken necklace and a Welsh Love Spoon Gareth bought me for Christmas I think, many moons ago. Ive kept those. The bits of necklace are for the bin….my jewellery making days are probably long gone now.
Ive still got under my bed and a “man drawer” to go through, but that’ll wait for tomorrow.

Thankfully this hasn’t been too bad of a cleansing experience. Its amazing how much crap I’ve accumulated. I didn’t think id have TWO black bin bags full of stuff. Id love to live minimalistic, but its just not me. Perhaps i just need a house of my own to fill with years of stuff! I like the memories and the emotions that sorting through old stuff leaves me with. Who doesn’t love nostalgia eh….?

Do you hoard your memories?

Friends. Where did you find yours?

I’ve always had friends. I was never without. I always seemed to make friends quite easily. Best Friends have always come in stages… In nursery there was Tom, Katie and Chris.

Katie was my best friend in lower school too. She only lived down the roads from me, so we spent a lot of time together. I remember we’d do that annoying thing where we’d spend the day playing and when her mum came to pick her up, we’d beg and plead with our parents to let her stay over the night! They’d always say, “why didn’t you ring before I left, I could’ve brought her stuff!”

Im not sure what happened to mine and Katie’s friendship, maybe we drifted apart. In middle school I met Frances. She was loud and outspoken, but so small. She looked just like the girl from Andre! We were best friends for years. We were really close and did everything together. She lived about 20 minute walk away, but had a paper-round in my street. Every morning when she delivered, she’d knock on the door and we’d chat for ages. Frances came to live with me for a while when she was having problems at home. I cant really remember much of our friendship after that!!

I cant remember when I met Leanne, but I think it was the end of middle school and the beginning of upper. I was a year or two older than her.  She lived in my street. I think Leanne introduced me to boys! We were obsessed with the ones on our street. We were best friends for years and told each other everything. Fell out loads too. When we weren’t falling out we were staying at each others houses, going town together, going clubbing at 15/16! My mum wasn’t a massive fan, thought she’d lead me astray. She started going out with one of the boys and we drifted apart. I went to college and met new people, and a while after I found out she was pregnant.

During upper school, I found my first pack! A big group of us hung out together cos we weren’t so popular. We were popular within our own group, but not so much with everyone else. I don’t remember everyone, but it was me, Adam, Matt, Jane, Jodie, Leigh-Ann, Chris and Steph. I remember the group getting bigger! Started filling with all sorts…not just outcasts, but normal people who couldn’t be bothered with all the popular groups! I started dating Matt and Adam started dating Steph. Things dissipated when Adam and I cheated with each other! Once I got over my heartbreak of being dumped by Adam, we became best friends…only because he was gay! Once we left school, most of us never saw each other again. I kept in touch with Adam and Chris, but it was an on and off thing.

At college I had loads of friends. None of the group had a particular best friend…we all hung out together like another pack! If someone was off, no one was ever left out, as we’d inter mingle. We were hilarious together and most tutors nightmares. The girls did tend to stick together on occasion though. Me, Huma, Sophie and Katie. There were other girls too, but they fancied the tutor, so always hung around him. He was young and impressionable, loved the attention! Most of us moved away for uni, although we did try and keep in touch it never happened.

Once I got to uni, I joined another ‘pack’… The guys and girls I lived in halls with. We were all really good friends. Me, Dave, Haylei, Emma, Adrian, Justin, Jimmy, Karen, Jamie. I was also very close to other girls from my course; Maz and Sarah.

Since leaving uni, Dave and Haylei are the only ones ive seen since. Me, Dave,  Emma and Adrian had a fall out cos someone told porky pies and someone else was too fickle to believe the truth. I won’t say who did what, but insecurity and jealousy ruined a good friendship group. Dave and I were really close at uni. I would say best buddies. We were always having a laugh and a joke together. Just chilling in each others rooms having a good moan 🙂

Returning to Northampton after uni, I found I didn’t really have many friends, other than Adam and Chris, my two constants. I moved back to my mums and got all down about being back. Everyone in my life before had moved on, got married, had kids, moved away. I was feeling alone. A new job saw the introduction of another new friend. Chelsea. She was a lot younger than me. I was 25 and she was 16!! Although so young, she acted a lot older than she was. She did have the tendency to be a massive baby and throw a strop, but we got on very well. Our manager was her cousin, so when I got sacked 9 months later, we stopped seeing as much of each other. I was far too bitter about the whole situation.

My last stable job in Northampton saw the introduction of a whole group of amazing people. Working at an all ladies gym, I met some fabulous girls. Lynsey, Karen, Q, San, Fatty (Fateha), and Emily. Brilliant group of girls who I could just sit down with for hours and chat away. We didnt go out together very often, we used work as our social time. You could always find us in reception or in the kitchen, feet up, with a cup of tea, coffee or hot chocolate having a right good gossip! Since moving I’ve only stayed in close contact with Karen and Lynsey. We’ve been friends for 4 years and I know these girls will be friends for life.

With my first job in Cardiff came my first real friend here. Rabia. Other than a mutual hatred for our boss, we had so much in common! We’d sit at our desks doing our work and have a right good natter, talking about books she’d lent me, boys, babies, marriage and life. She invited me out with her friends for dinner and drinks. She was lovely, but after she left 4months later, we didnt see each other as much. Had i not changed my phone and lost her number, we’d still be in touch!

My next group of friends I met through a website are Jo and Rhi. Both fabulous people with great stories to tell. We all had a great time on my 30th birthday. There was a crisp fiasco! We’re all still great friends, although Rhi has moved to Italy, I still see Jo often. These girls will be my friends forever. Jo and I plan to visit Rhi in Italy next year!

Last but not least are my book club girls. Ceri, Annie, Judith, Megan, Sam, Seren, and Vicky,  An awesome group of around 6 of us who meet up every month to discuss books! We also discuss wine, travel, work, cake, tv, babies, marriage, healthy pink vaginas (don’t ask) and just have a good girly giggle for a few hours. Its so much fun. Its nearly a year that ive known these girls. As long as there are books to read, they’ll be book club girls!

So throughout my 30 years of life ive met a lot of people and made a lot of friends, both short and long term. Of course there have been many more in between, but these ones seem to have made lasting memories and been important in my life at some point or another. Ive met people in so many different ways; through school, education, work, hobbies, acquaintances. Im not sure there are any other ways to make new friends and meet new people? It occurs to me that ive not had a best friend for a while. There is no-one in my life right now who knows everything there is to know about me. All of the above know everything collectively, but individually, they know bits and pieces. Some bigger bits and pieces than others. Is this a good or bad thing? Is a best friend that important?. Im sure I’ll gain another soon enough…one I can call my bff. Right now im just happy knowing the people that I do and being able to call them friends.

Wanting to L♡ve the skin you’re in.

I have trouble doing just that. Loving my skin. The truth is, my skin pains me as I suffer from two fairly harsh skin/body disfunctions.

Hyperhidrosis and severe acne. In other words im a sweaty, spotty mess. Attractive huh?!

I think they both started around the same time, as I don’t remember a defining moment for either of them. Just a stark realisation that they were there. 

I specifically remember being very sweaty in upper school when I was about 14…. I started my periods during middle school, so it wasnt really a hormonal thing. Or perhaps it was and I just didn’t realise. I remember a picture when I was about 17, and with my bf, there was visible acne scarring on my chest, so it was clearly going on around the age of 15/16 to justify having scarring.  I also remember being at school and noticing that my shirt under the arms was pretty much soaked through… I was a smelly teen. For a girl to say that, you know its true! I recall keeping my blazer on in order to not draw attention to myself, but that just built up the mass of uncomfortableness and made the smell worse. I wonder if there was a time when it got better, as I had a fair few friends and they never said anything….perhaps they were just those sort of friends… 😦 It’s hard to tell people they smell, especially if its your friend. I didn’t need telling, I could smell me! I had a boyfriend at school, albeit he wasn’t a gorgeous one, but either he didn’t mind my smelliness or I just didnt give off a horrific odour everyday.

Over the years ive managed to manage my hyperhidrosis. The amount of deodorants I went through trying to find something to help. Watching adverts on tv and thinking, yes, this will solve all problems. Id buy them, and then realise they were just for normal people. The clothes id have to wear to try and mask the signs of wet underarms… can you imagine what its like to sit in a room thats neither hot nor cold, yet you’re sweating. Thats what this does to you! Ive experimented with materials, fit, colour…all of it. I know what I can and cant wear. I have to layer up! Im like a 70 year old woman who has to wear vests under a normal top. 

It’s also got worse. I dont know when, but i went from underarm sweating, to whole body sweating. Now that is a pain in the ass. Back, chest, bum, tummy, thighs. You name it, it gets wet. Most of this I must admit, is predominantly during summer months or when im really nervous/anxious like, my body goes ‘fuck this’ and all the water barriers fall down and im a pool of wetness. Its like breaking a dam! My aluminium deodorant has been a god send. And thank heavens for pocket deodorant…im never without these beauties. Thank you Odaban & Dove!


Im not certain if I find the acne more of a hassle or not. It gets me down sometimes, but I think as its not visible depending on what I wear, its less of an issue. Its always been concentrated on my chest. As a woman, I can tell you, thats no good place to have it! Ive grown myself a half decent pair of boobs and tthey’re mostly covered up cos theyre covered in scars and horrid sore boils/spots. These are worse at times of the month…before a period my chest could be a dot to dot! I saw a physio once about issues with my back and he asked if my spots were there due to my back pain…. Errr, no! How embarrassing, for me and him. Another male friend commented that it looked like id had cigarettes put out on my chest…due to the scarring left there. Ive never covered up so quick. My face has started to resemble my chest too. Not so many spots, but every single little pimple I get results in hyperpigmentation – regardless of if I pick or not 😦 Serious bad luck!

Men ive been with have never had an issue with it. I suppose when a girl has her boobs out and youre about to get fruity, scars and spots here and there don’t really mean anything. I guess its not completely repulsive to look at for everyone except me. My ex used to say they were part of me, what makes me unique and didn’t bother him. He was brutally honest 100% of the time, so he wasn’t just trying to make me feel better. 

I sometimes find myself looking at girls and their clear chests and wishing… wishing mine was clear and the skin wasnt raised, bumpy, scarred and unsightly. Just perfectly clear, and I could show it off. Perhaps ive become so accustomed to having it there, if I ever did get rid of them, id still cover up anyway. Doctors trips have been useless. Prescriptions are good, until your body is used to it, then you revert back. There is no cure for acne, you just manage it. 


Looking at people walking around the streets and seeing them walk carefree and without a sweat patch in sight. Or finding myself feeling very jealous of my friend who tells me she doesn’t sweat!!! 


When it comes to sweating, from what ive read, other than removing my sweat glands, nothing can be done. Even that operation isnt guaranteed. I’ll just manage with my aluminium deodorant that makes life that little bit easier and less smelly.

I’ve coped with all this nonsense for 15 years now and ive not done too badly…. I shall continue to cope. I dont love the skin im  in, but its my skin, and I wont be getting any more ♡



My life -My chaos