Phobias – Chiclephobia

I’ve had chiclephobia for years now, but never really understood the magnitude of it until very recently.  It’s starting to seriously affect my life. Especially since my new bf is a lover of the thing that gives me this extreme anxiety and I don’t know how to tell him.

Chiclephobia is the fear of chewing gum! Strange phobia to have, I know, but after Googling it, I realised I’m not alone, it’s not as rare as I thought and the great Oprah Winfrey has the same phobia.

My phobia is on a different level.. It’s really bad! I read this earlier and it made me realise how bad I am… “I’m so glad to discover I’m not the only one who is terrified of bubble or chewing gum. Although I must say I have it a bit worse than you as I even have to dodge the dried gum on streets. Hell, even writing the word gum here gives me the creeps”…. Her fear is exactly the same as mine.  The thought of touching someone’s old gum makes me gag!

My new bf loves chewing gum and just looking at him chewing makes me feel physically sick. How I didn’t throw up on him earlier today is a miracle!! I was planning on telling him when he got dropped me off home, but I was so disgusted and uncomfortable, I had to get out the car as quickly as possible.

This phobia makes social situations incredibly hard.
I hate the smell, the look (before and after), the sound of people chewing (that squidgy, smushy noise) seeing it stuck everywhere, the thought that it could be stuck to a table I’m sitting at.. In a bin near me.. Eurgh. My family aren’t allowed to have it in my presence. I go completely nuts!

I don’t tell people about it, unless they’re going to have a major role in my life, as I can’t deal with people using it as some sort of weapon against me. I’d end up in a mental institution.

The scene in Magic Mike XXL where he was chewing really upset me!

I remember when my fear started. I was in Upper school waiting to go into a class and noticed a ‘sticky’ feeling on my shoe. Upon looking down, there was just a mass of bubblegum stick to the whole bottom of my shoe. It was really thick and horrid and I managed to roll it off without touching it, but it was too late. I can now define that as the exact moment the fear started. My stomach lining is all to ready to come up just typing this down!! Eurgh!

I’m with Oprah all the way on this one, if chewing gum could be made illegal, I’d be so happy!

Can a therapist even deal with something like this? I’m pretty sure I need therapy or hypnosis.  I wonder what other peculiar phobias people have…

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What do I want to be when I grow up.

I’ve been having some thoughts recently regarding my choice of career. I don’t think that’s the right phrase though in all honesty, as working as an administrator is hardly a career choice for the majority of people that are doing it. It’s the sort of thing you fall into really, isn’t it? It’s entry level… No one trawls through job adverts and gets excited about answering phones, being upto your neck in paperwork and typing up letters do they? I really hope not.

I’ve fallen into this sort of job all my life, even though my qualifications and degree are generally a lot more exciting. Fitness Instructor versus Typist.. No competition! It’s easy, the money is ok (I say ok, this job is the most I’ve ever been paid!) and it’s the sort of thing you don’t have to worry too much about. Or at least, it was when I started 18 months ago. Now I’m all morose and 2003 McDonald’s jingle (ba da ba ba ba – I’m hatin’ it).
The workload has tripled, the money is the same and it’s target central every day. It’s like being strapped into a bi polar roller coaster. I think any laughter, excitement and mania is caused by delirium!!

I know it’s blatantly obvious I’m not happy in my job, but I can’t leave cos I don’t know what else to do with myself. Oh, and I really like money and shoes!! I don’t know what I want to do, what I could do or how I go about finding something else that I enjoy. I’m not sure I have the aptitude for anything else in this world. Starting again at 31 doesn’t exactly fill me with a load of confidence either. It could take me years to figure out what else I might be good at. I haven’t got years. Well I have, but you know what I mean. Having a career involves building up years of experience and I don’t like the thought of starting all over again, again.

I almost feel like I’m 15 years old again and need to seek careers advice so I can pick the best A level subjects.

The only thing I know I quite enjoy is teaching, in a fitness capacity of course, because I’ve never done it in any other environment. The fitness industry has gone to pot though and unless you’re amazing (which I know I’m not), then it’s a very tough old world. I can’t put up or keep up with the competition anymore. I’m like an old dog…. I can’t remember any of the new tricks!
I’ve considered teaching English as a foreign language, but grammatically I’m quite poor. The things I learnt in school regarding nouns and verbs don’t even exist in my head anymore. Although, that might be part of the problem. I’m just not as intelligent as I used to be or wish I was. That’s a stark and depressing realisation!!

The problem I’ve always had is that what I’d love to do is too specific. And if it’s too specific, it means there area whole deal of jobs. In all the time I’ve known what I want to do, I’ve only ever found 4 jobs in the locations I was in at the time. 2 in Northampton and 2 in Cardiff since I’ve lived here. One I interviewed for and didn’t get, the other, I simply wasn’t an option.

The other problem I have is that I get bored really easily. I need variables and change fairly often. I hate doing the same thing, day in, day out. I wasn’t built for repetition.

Maybe it’s time to start reviewing my options…
What did you want to be when you grew up, and what are you now??

Broody Baby Season

I think it’s the season to be pregnant!

A lot of my friends and family are pregnant, announcing their pregnancy, or giving birth.

I quite want to be pregnant. I know it’s not a fabulously happy time with hormones going haywire and whatnot, but I want to be pregnant. I’d like to grow a mini me.

I’ve been suppressing the broodiness inside me for about 7 years now and occasionally, I think it comes back with a vengeance!

At my friends the other week, a guy knocked on his door with a little girl in tow. I waved and smiled at her and she waved and smiled back. She looked like Dora the Explorer! My ovaries nearly burst, she was that cute.

I also saw a young mum with her 3 year old son on the bus recently and she was using the journey as education time. I was so impressed by her and how clever he seemed to be. I got really emotional and cried. That’s never happened before.

I wonder what sort of mum I’d make. Would I be the ridiculously over protective type, or would I be laid back and chilled?

I can’t wait for my day to come!

I’ve been smoking…

I was on a night out with work friends recently when a situation got me a bit stressed out and completely changed my mood. I had been drinking a fair bit at this point, so my ability to reason with my drunken, sulky self had long since gone out of the window.

An offer to go outside for some fresh air and away from the annoyance was too good to say no to. The people I was with, who admittedly, I didn’t know that well, offered me a cigarette… which I took. It didn’t take me more than two drags to realise it was menthol and wasn’t giving me the usual nicotine rush id had when previously I was a social smoker many moons ago. Nonetheless, I carried on smoking, even though I was already starting to feel guilty for it. I carried on my night, but I did stop drinking.

I woke up the next morning and tried to recover the previous nights events, as you do after a heavy one and recoiled as i remembered I smoked! I also remembered on another night out with work a few weeks previous that I’d smoked again. I didn’t have a whole one to myself, but I’d had enough to remember it happened. What am I doing? I hate smoking.

My dad used to smoke. He died of cancer when i was 17. I smoked socially for years and then made a very conscious effort in 2010 never to smoke again. My mum smoked on and off for years. After my dad died, i used to always tell her off if I caught her smoking. My best friends dad has terminal cancer…. why the hell am I smoking?

I’ve got by for years just enjoying how it smells (its a very strange habit to have, I know) and not physically smoking an actual cigarette. I’ve gone on nights out with friends and work friends who smoke and never felt the urge to smoke then. So why now? It sort of feels like I’m rebelling against something, but I’m 31 years old and living in a houseshare, why would I need to rebel?

I need to have a quiet word with myself and knock this on the head before it starts becoming more frequent. I don’t like the idea of falling into bad, unhealthy habits.

Real women

I keep seeing that phrase everywhere in the media and to be honest, it pisses me off.
It’s always “real women have curves”…” real women this”… “real women that” yada yada yada”… So much bullshit. It’s no surprise people have issues with identity, health and weight with all the constant pressure to look, feel and be a certain way.

I’m a naturally slim girl, a size 8 bottom and size 10 on top, there’s not that much to me. I am however toned and carry a bit of muscle. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not butch or bulky looking, I’m probably more suited to being called athletic. My chest isn’t huge and neither is my ass, so when I hear this carry on about real women have curves (mostly alluding to their boobs, hips and thighs, the coke bottle curves), it perplexes me.

The “real women” they are usually on about are carrying a certain amount of weight in particular areas. Pictures and quotes of women with “curves” almost always come adorned with comments from larger women, who I can only assume are insecure about their weight or just enjoy having a dig, saying “Real women have curves and aren’t stick thin. Real men likes curves, only dogs like bones”…
So if you’re a woman size 14 (major generalisation from myself – I apologise to anyone offended, I have no clue what size people think “curvy” is) and under, or a man that is attracted to those such women, you’re not real!?
Get the fuck out of here! Who comes up with this shit, and more importantly, why the hell are women believing it??

Its like ‘skinny bashing’ is the new in thing. If you see a naturally slim woman, she only eats salad, or she starves herself. So people can’t be naturally skinny, and must be ill/unhealthy.

Are we as women so individually insecure in ourselves, that we need to undermine, insult and bully each other to feel better? We need to stop with the negativity and start being more positive and complimentary towards each other.

As far as I’m concerned: all women, are real women. The size of your body does not determine to either sex, if you are real or not.

Neither curvy, skinny, athletic, obese, voluptuous, muscular, anorexic, fat, or slim do it better!!
As WOMEN we should ALL be doing it better, regardless of how we look!

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Looking forward and wishing

As I set another countdown for another weekend away, I’m wondering if it’s a good thing to look forward to future plans you’ve made.

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I’m finding myself sort of stuck living in the future and I think it’s a bit weird. What’s wrong with wanting to live for the present, for the moment?

I was thinking of the things I was looking forward to, and before I realised it, that was 2015 all done and dusted. It’s not long started and we’re nearly a quarter way through already.
What did it was knowing in February 2016 my credit card will all be paid off and I’ll be debt free… In one thought I have literally wished away a whole year! I’ll be happier knowing it’s all paid off, but between now and then, I’d like the months to pass by slowly so I can enjoy them.
Everything is “I can’t wait for” or “I’m so looking forward to…”

Life really does pass you by in the blink of an eye. Since I got to 21, it seems like just a blur of years.
I’m starting to wonder if it’s even possible to live in the moment? What would that even entail? I’m not sure I’ve ever lived in the present.

People say you need to have things to look forward to. That’s how we get through the days/weeks. Most of us live for the weekend. But isn’t that how you get through the day if you’re unhappy with how things are? Or is looking forward, making plans and doing fun and exciting things, what makes life worth living?

Is your life one big countdown to the future? Or, do you live in the moment, all carefree, waiting for what life will bring?

Should I be sad?

Now all the anger has subsided from JJ cutting short our dating adventure together,  all I’m left with is hurt. Im hurt, but im questioning whether I have the right to be.

The whole thing from first kiss, to the state of shock he left me in on Thursday, lasted 2 months. I almost feel like im not allowed to feel this way as it was a short adventure and i spent 4 weeks of it not physically seeing him everyday. We work together, so part of the fun, thrills and excitement was in the secret glances, touches and smiles we did in the office without our colleagues noticing.
The 4 weeks we spent dating were so much fun…sneaking off for kisses, going out for food and drinks. Spending nights cuddled up, watching films, making jokes and laughing.

I think im hurt more because it was such a shock. Literally over a period of 24 hours, he decided he didn’t want to date me anymore as he wasn’t ready to be serious. Wednesday morning we were planning our romantic meal, Thursday morning he decided otherwise.

Is there a certain time frame in which one should mourn a break up? Is there a ratio? Number of weeks, months years spent together/x time?

All I know is that I feel sad, this Valentines weekend has sucked and I miss him.