Tag Archives: Hormones

Sometimes

I lay in bed for hours and think about how rubbish my life is and how I’ll never make anything of myself.

I worry about when I’ll die and how.

I look at my bf and wonder why I fancy him.

I crave close friendships and wish someone understood my complex mind.

I wonder why I buy clothes when I have nowhere to go.

On the odd occasion I realise that this is pmdd making me feel this way. It doesn’t alter the way I feel, it’s just a small reminder that it WILL pass.

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Sobriety, sucks

Since I became sober to lessen the effects of this pmdd malarkey, life has changed somewhat.

I don’t go out any more, not that I’ve been a party animal for the last few months anyway, but socially everything has really dwindled quite rapidly. I genuinely thought I was OK living the sober and unsociable life, but in reality I don’t think I am.

I went away for the weekend with some old work friends and it wasn’t really what I wanted it to be. I didn’t relax and I also didn’t go out out, which was the plan for Saturday night. I didn’t want to be surrounded by drunk, irritating people when I couldn’t be the same drunk, irritating person. The whole situation made me feel quite down. I could’ve had an alcoholic drink if I wanted to but I felt I’d be letting myself down and also opening myself up for a downward spiral on my mood the following week. Plus it was the bfs birthday and I didn’t want to give myself any opportunity to act like a miserable cunt.

I didn’t tell my friends why I wasn’t drinking, other than saying it makes me really depressed. They all assumed I was pregnant 😂.

During a trip to the spa I was telling one friend that my social situation has really changed and dwindled since I stopped drinking. Also, stopping bookclub about a year ago hasn’t helped. I think if I told the bookclub girls why I stopped (the pmdd that I didn’t realise was pmdd), they would’ve helped. I don’t think I wanted to admit I couldn’t cope with running it and couldn’t deal with the rejection of people leaving /not joining. Anyway, this thinking all culminated in me realising that I need to find other sober people to hang around with. Sober people with pmdd preferably, but sober people nonetheless. Now I’m more aware of my pmdd and when I’m having better days, I can’t see why I wouldn’t be able to maintain a friendship. Just because my hormones and mental health turn me doolally from time to time doesn’t mean I should be destined to live a solitary friendless life… I deserve friendship 🙂

So, how did it go?

My hospital appointment went so much better than I could have imagined.

I initially got told off by my consultant for not having my partner there with me. Whilst I could appreciate why he wanted him to be there, from my point of view, the appointment was specifically for me to discuss MY fibroids and how they’ll affect MY fertility. JBs semen analysis had come back ‘normal’ so I already knew he wasn’t the issue. He asked for him to be present at the next appointment.

Since it had been pretty much a year since I’d last seen him, I gave him a recap of my issues. No sooner had my I told him my magic number (soon to be 35) and how long we hadn’t been using contraception for (best part of a year) his attention peaked. I saw him writing out a prescription and asking for dates and whatnots….”I want to check you are ovulating, your hormone levels and also send your for another X ray to check for blockages. I’m so pleased to be getting cycle day 21 blood tests as I really think I skipped ovulation last month and I really don’t know why. Maybe it has something to do with the cyst on my ovary, but there’s no point guessing.

My consultant said hopefully I’ll be pregnant before I see him next but I don’t want to put that sort of pressure 9r expectation on myself. It’ll happen when it happens. Let’s get these tests done and go from there.

Happy Face

That’s what’s up

Ever since I had my bi polar meltdown, I’ve been wondering what the hell is wrong with me. My bf asked me to leave the house for a few days and go spend time with my family. I was devastated as I was sure he wouldn’t be home when I returned but he was.

The whole thing was sort of brushed under the carpet until I had another mental episode a short time after.

I honestly just felt despair. I woke up one morning and just felt angry and irritated. I warned my bf not to wind me up as I just wasn’t feeling ‘jokey’.. He went into shut down mode and that’s what set me off.

I was so irate I just exploded. A huge argument ensued and he told me he didn’t want us to have kids with me being like this. I was heartbroken. That’s the one thing I’m fighting for.. Babies.

I know he hates me researching stuff (incase I misdiagnose)… He’d rather I went doctors, said I was depressed and came home with a cocophyony of ‘happy pills’. Considering I don’t feel this way all the time, I don’t want that for myself. I don’t even know what I googled, but I stumbled upon PMDD. Premenstrual Disphoric Disorder. Whilst I read about it, alarm bells were going off in my head.. I just sat there thinking, this is me. This is bloody well me! I’m not angry all the time but before my period I’m just full of rage and self loathing, fear, anxiety, worthlessness, my body aches, thoughts race through my mind. I can’t concentrate on anything. I don’t want to be around anyone. I loathe people. I just want to shut myself in a dark room and cry and stuff myself with food. I think of harming myself. I become self critical about every single aspect of my life. I feel so god damn depressed. This is a new level of pms.

A few days after my period starts, all is well with the world. I feel happy, I smile, laugh and joke with my bf. I love my bf again and can’t imagine life without him. I like and want to be around people. I don’t mind life. I feel I can achieve anything, I become confident again. Come ovulation time, this whole cycle of bullshit starts again.

Living 1 life with 2 versions of me is so damn exhausting.

I’ve started a ‘diary of moods’ if you will and so has the bf. We’re going to record my moods over 2-3 cycles and see if it really is PMDD then, I’m going to my doctor! If it’s not, then I’m just fucking crazy and need proper help. Time will tell.

Periods – PMS hell

I hate that time of the month. Some of my months come and go without too much hassle, but this month is not a good one… My uterus be all…

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I still have a week to go, yet I’m being battered by PMS. And I feel horrendous. There is absolutely nothing wrong with my life, I actually quite like it, but on a bad month I feel so depressed and discontent. I’m questioning things… Why haven’t I got a better job? Why don’t I own my own house? Why aren’t I married with babies? Why are people more successful than me? Why do I feel so insignificant? Why, why, why? Someone pass me some fecking testosterone, I need to grow some balls and man the fuck up!!!