Tag Archives: life

That’s what’s up

Ever since I had my bi polar meltdown, I’ve been wondering what the hell is wrong with me. My bf asked me to leave the house for a few days and go spend time with my family. I was devastated as I was sure he wouldn’t be home when I returned but he was.

The whole thing was sort of brushed under the carpet until I had another mental episode a short time after.

I honestly just felt despair. I woke up one morning and just felt angry and irritated. I warned my bf not to wind me up as I just wasn’t feeling ‘jokey’.. He went into shut down mode and that’s what set me off.

I was so irate I just exploded. A huge argument ensued and he told me he didn’t want us to have kids with me being like this. I was heartbroken. That’s the one thing I’m fighting for.. Babies.

I know he hates me researching stuff (incase I misdiagnose)… He’d rather I went doctors, said I was depressed and came home with a cocophyony of ‘happy pills’. Considering I don’t feel this way all the time, I don’t want that for myself. I don’t even know what I googled, but I stumbled upon PMDD. Premenstrual Disphoric Disorder. Whilst I read about it, alarm bells were going off in my head.. I just sat there thinking, this is me. This is bloody well me! I’m not angry all the time but before my period I’m just full of rage and self loathing, fear, anxiety, worthlessness, my body aches, thoughts race through my mind. I can’t concentrate on anything. I don’t want to be around anyone. I loathe people. I just want to shut myself in a dark room and cry and stuff myself with food. I think of harming myself. I become self critical about every single aspect of my life. I feel so god damn depressed. This is a new level of pms.

A few days after my period starts, all is well with the world. I feel happy, I smile, laugh and joke with my bf. I love my bf again and can’t imagine life without him. I like and want to be around people. I don’t mind life. I feel I can achieve anything, I become confident again. Come ovulation time, this whole cycle of bullshit starts again.

Living 1 life with 2 versions of me is so damn exhausting.

I’ve started a ‘diary of moods’ if you will and so has the bf. We’re going to record my moods over 2-3 cycles and see if it really is PMDD then, I’m going to my doctor! If it’s not, then I’m just fucking crazy and need proper help. Time will tell.

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Life Decisions

The past few weeks I have really been thinking about my future. My lichens sclerosus is still bad but due to a change in my diet (no alcohol and less sugar) I’ve found I’ve had less flare ups.

I have genuinely been thinking about whether or not I really wanted kids or of I just forget about them and me and the bf save our money for travelling. I know it probably sounds quite drastic, but with the fibroids making trying to conceive a lot more difficult than it’s supposed to be and the lichens sclerosus ravaging my vulva so much so that I’ve become so narrow and I’m afraid to have sex, I have wondered if there’s any point.

That was until this week….

My Facebook has shown 4 pregnancy announcements. One I already knew about and another was a celebrity, but it still counts nonetheless. They shocked me and I felt so upset…. I wasn’t able to hide my upset from my bf. It hit me heard and my mind has since been consumed with nothing but baby and pregnancy thoughts.

Ive let myself wallow in self pity this week, cos it feels like a process I need to go through. Its helped! Because I allowed myself time to grieve, it made me realise I want a baby more than anything and I’m willing to try and help myself in order to start trying to conceive again. I have now ordered dilators and lube! Sounds odd, but I read that dilators can open you up again, which will really help get me ready for sex… I get so tense at the thought of having sex that it makes matters worse, and the anxiety doesn’t help with lubrication down there either. I’m hoping they’ll help with the sensations too, as the last time I had sex it didn’t feel nice, it just felt like aggravation and then relief of the itching. No point having sex if it doesn’t feel good, is there?

If this reignites my sex drive, I’m going to be so happy!

Wish me luck!

Pregnancy envy

So this is a thing. I didn’t even know it was until I realised how envious I was at yet another pregnancy announcement. They just seem to be so frequent these days, I don’t understand why, or how! Well obviously I know how!

I had a dream a few months ago now that my sister was pregnant with twins. Usually these dreams for me signify actual pregnancy or illness. Just as I thought no more about it, a friend I hadn’t seen for a good while said she wanted to meet up for dinner.

I’d guessed she was pregnant before she actually confirmed she was. I congratulated her, of course I was happy for her. She deserves to be happy. But a part of me died inside for completely selfish reasons. I’ve lost another friend to the mummy brigade, I’m still not even close to ever having children of my own and that’s another person in life who’s got everything that I want.

I can tell you, it’s totally possible to smile and be happy for your friend whilst your heart fights back the desire in you to completely breakdown.

I sort of got over that. Then came another blow. A colleague entered the room one morning with a rather bloated looking belly and announced she was also expecting. Hmmm.

Why is everyone getting pregnant and I haven’t.

I know I’m not completely irrational about my feelings because someone else I know is having fertility problems and she struggles when other women announce their pregnancies. I feel jealous of her. She’s got everything in place. House, decent job, loving fiancee. I haven’t even got a quarter of that. She’d probably laugh at me if I told her I was jealous of her!

I know I’m doing that ridiculous ‘comparing myself to others’ that we as a society seem to do constantly,but I can’t help it.

Can people just stop procreating for a while please 😦

Anyone else have pregnancy envy?

The Backup Plan

I made a backup plan with an old best friend of mine. You know the sort, you’re about 22 years old and realise life has the potential to go tits up for you. You and your best pal of the opposite sex make a plan to get married and have babies just in case you get to 40 and realise everything is fucked!

For the most part, I didn’t think I’d ever have a reason to use mine or call it in. I left it by the wayside and forgot it had ever been considered. That, was until I realised my option had gone. My backup plan is definitely gay and also married.  The fact that we’ve just started talking again after a 4 year fall out has absolutely nothing to do with it!! I know him being gay is more a plus point and likely the easier option, but I’m sure he doesn’t want to rent my womb!

A few friends have offered along the way, mostly in jest of course. But low and behold, they’ve got their shit together and have since Wed. 

I feel like I need to go on some sort of collecting spree and get details of chronically single men in the south Wales area. No idea why they need to be chronically single, I’m selling myself short here! I’m a great catch, only part psychotic.

Perhaps I should stick an advert on Gumtree!

Did you or do you still  have a backup plan?

 

 

So I went out, out

With it being the festive season and all that, we had arranged our work Christmas Dooo for black Friday. I was really quite excited about it. I hadn’t been out in a while and it would be the first night out I’ve have since splitting up with JJ.
I’d felt a bit down but not lacking confidence, I just needed to ‘blow the cobwebs away’… Mentally, not physically!

I did very little at work, but went to Bobbi Brown to get a complimentary makeover. The girl that does my make-up works wonders! She did it in an hour and I left feeling AMAZING. When I got back to work, all the girls were complimenting me. It was lovely.
One of the girls said I should go downstairs and show JJ what he was missing and part of me did want to. The other part of me thought that he probably wouldn’t care how great I looked, so I didn’t.

After we all got dressed, we went for food at Jamie’s Italian and the team manager bought a few bottles of processco for the tables. I happily guzzled a few glasses and felt quite tipsy. We moved onto a quieter bar after and played a quiz, whilst still drinking. After a few hours there, with everyone suitably sloshed, we went to a club and some more members of the party left.

The club was great.. Very strange feeling knowing it’s only 6pm, you’re a long way from sober and the club is pretty much empty. We took advantage of the emptiness, danced around and picked a booth in prime location.

I don’t remember people coming in, I just remember there being more people all of a sudden.
Two lads called me over and we were chatting. We talked about my lack of Christmas jumper and other stuff. I fancied his mate more than him, so I made my excuses and went back to my friends. Another group of guys got my attention, so I spoke to one of them for a while and had a dance. Conversation was odd.. He’s from the Welsh valley’s and that’s like a completely different language to me. I could barely understand him. I remember his name was Leyton cause I thought it was lush. He took my number and gave me a kiss and we carried on with the rest of the night.

I got the attention of another guy. He was really tall and had that mysterious hard man look about him. I never usually go for that, but for some reason, I kept making eye contact and dancing sexily until he came over to me. This is something I’d never do in a million years, there must have been something in the wine! Ha.
I danced with him for a bit, before my friend introduced me to a friend of hers. He was cute, but there wasn’t any animal attraction. We talked about travel, food and other stuff and found we had a fair bit in common. He said his goodbyes, we hugged and then he left.

At some point, I managed to get the attention of another guy who I fancied like crazy. I call it the ‘stop eating hot’ level of gorgeousness. If a guy can make me stop eating, he’s too beautiful for words. We danced like mad people and he actually kissed me at one point. I didn’t react well to it because I was shocked. He wanted to come home with me. “I don’t have to be up until 8am” he said. As beautiful as he was, I wasn’t going to take him home. My one night stand days are more than over and done with.
Still, his offer was far nicer than the “Do you live on your own?” chat up line I’d got earlier.
Unfortunately for these Valley boys, their reputation proceeds them.

We carried on dancing until 12:30,  when I decided to call it a night. I was more drunk than horny. I picked up the obligatory chips on the way and jumped in a taxi.
When I woke the next day, I smiled at the previous nights antics. That was just what I needed. I gave my number to three guys that night and it would’ve been nice, but I wasn’t that bothered if any of them got in touch or not.  I always feel a bit shitty post break up, regardless if I was the dumper or the dumpee. That night was just the reminder I needed that men still think I’m good looking and there are still some mighty fine specimens out there!

Looking forward and wishing

As I set another countdown for another weekend away, I’m wondering if it’s a good thing to look forward to future plans you’ve made.

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I’m finding myself sort of stuck living in the future and I think it’s a bit weird. What’s wrong with wanting to live for the present, for the moment?

I was thinking of the things I was looking forward to, and before I realised it, that was 2015 all done and dusted. It’s not long started and we’re nearly a quarter way through already.
What did it was knowing in February 2016 my credit card will all be paid off and I’ll be debt free… In one thought I have literally wished away a whole year! I’ll be happier knowing it’s all paid off, but between now and then, I’d like the months to pass by slowly so I can enjoy them.
Everything is “I can’t wait for” or “I’m so looking forward to…”

Life really does pass you by in the blink of an eye. Since I got to 21, it seems like just a blur of years.
I’m starting to wonder if it’s even possible to live in the moment? What would that even entail? I’m not sure I’ve ever lived in the present.

People say you need to have things to look forward to. That’s how we get through the days/weeks. Most of us live for the weekend. But isn’t that how you get through the day if you’re unhappy with how things are? Or is looking forward, making plans and doing fun and exciting things, what makes life worth living?

Is your life one big countdown to the future? Or, do you live in the moment, all carefree, waiting for what life will bring?

Friends. Where did you find yours?

I’ve always had friends. I was never without. I always seemed to make friends quite easily. Best Friends have always come in stages… In nursery there was Tom, Katie and Chris.

Katie was my best friend in lower school too. She only lived down the roads from me, so we spent a lot of time together. I remember we’d do that annoying thing where we’d spend the day playing and when her mum came to pick her up, we’d beg and plead with our parents to let her stay over the night! They’d always say, “why didn’t you ring before I left, I could’ve brought her stuff!”

Im not sure what happened to mine and Katie’s friendship, maybe we drifted apart. In middle school I met Frances. She was loud and outspoken, but so small. She looked just like the girl from Andre! We were best friends for years. We were really close and did everything together. She lived about 20 minute walk away, but had a paper-round in my street. Every morning when she delivered, she’d knock on the door and we’d chat for ages. Frances came to live with me for a while when she was having problems at home. I cant really remember much of our friendship after that!!

I cant remember when I met Leanne, but I think it was the end of middle school and the beginning of upper. I was a year or two older than her.  She lived in my street. I think Leanne introduced me to boys! We were obsessed with the ones on our street. We were best friends for years and told each other everything. Fell out loads too. When we weren’t falling out we were staying at each others houses, going town together, going clubbing at 15/16! My mum wasn’t a massive fan, thought she’d lead me astray. She started going out with one of the boys and we drifted apart. I went to college and met new people, and a while after I found out she was pregnant.

During upper school, I found my first pack! A big group of us hung out together cos we weren’t so popular. We were popular within our own group, but not so much with everyone else. I don’t remember everyone, but it was me, Adam, Matt, Jane, Jodie, Leigh-Ann, Chris and Steph. I remember the group getting bigger! Started filling with all sorts…not just outcasts, but normal people who couldn’t be bothered with all the popular groups! I started dating Matt and Adam started dating Steph. Things dissipated when Adam and I cheated with each other! Once I got over my heartbreak of being dumped by Adam, we became best friends…only because he was gay! Once we left school, most of us never saw each other again. I kept in touch with Adam and Chris, but it was an on and off thing.

At college I had loads of friends. None of the group had a particular best friend…we all hung out together like another pack! If someone was off, no one was ever left out, as we’d inter mingle. We were hilarious together and most tutors nightmares. The girls did tend to stick together on occasion though. Me, Huma, Sophie and Katie. There were other girls too, but they fancied the tutor, so always hung around him. He was young and impressionable, loved the attention! Most of us moved away for uni, although we did try and keep in touch it never happened.

Once I got to uni, I joined another ‘pack’… The guys and girls I lived in halls with. We were all really good friends. Me, Dave, Haylei, Emma, Adrian, Justin, Jimmy, Karen, Jamie. I was also very close to other girls from my course; Maz and Sarah.

Since leaving uni, Dave and Haylei are the only ones ive seen since. Me, Dave,  Emma and Adrian had a fall out cos someone told porky pies and someone else was too fickle to believe the truth. I won’t say who did what, but insecurity and jealousy ruined a good friendship group. Dave and I were really close at uni. I would say best buddies. We were always having a laugh and a joke together. Just chilling in each others rooms having a good moan 🙂

Returning to Northampton after uni, I found I didn’t really have many friends, other than Adam and Chris, my two constants. I moved back to my mums and got all down about being back. Everyone in my life before had moved on, got married, had kids, moved away. I was feeling alone. A new job saw the introduction of another new friend. Chelsea. She was a lot younger than me. I was 25 and she was 16!! Although so young, she acted a lot older than she was. She did have the tendency to be a massive baby and throw a strop, but we got on very well. Our manager was her cousin, so when I got sacked 9 months later, we stopped seeing as much of each other. I was far too bitter about the whole situation.

My last stable job in Northampton saw the introduction of a whole group of amazing people. Working at an all ladies gym, I met some fabulous girls. Lynsey, Karen, Q, San, Fatty (Fateha), and Emily. Brilliant group of girls who I could just sit down with for hours and chat away. We didnt go out together very often, we used work as our social time. You could always find us in reception or in the kitchen, feet up, with a cup of tea, coffee or hot chocolate having a right good gossip! Since moving I’ve only stayed in close contact with Karen and Lynsey. We’ve been friends for 4 years and I know these girls will be friends for life.

With my first job in Cardiff came my first real friend here. Rabia. Other than a mutual hatred for our boss, we had so much in common! We’d sit at our desks doing our work and have a right good natter, talking about books she’d lent me, boys, babies, marriage and life. She invited me out with her friends for dinner and drinks. She was lovely, but after she left 4months later, we didnt see each other as much. Had i not changed my phone and lost her number, we’d still be in touch!

My next group of friends I met through a website are Jo and Rhi. Both fabulous people with great stories to tell. We all had a great time on my 30th birthday. There was a crisp fiasco! We’re all still great friends, although Rhi has moved to Italy, I still see Jo often. These girls will be my friends forever. Jo and I plan to visit Rhi in Italy next year!

Last but not least are my book club girls. Ceri, Annie, Judith, Megan, Sam, Seren, and Vicky,  An awesome group of around 6 of us who meet up every month to discuss books! We also discuss wine, travel, work, cake, tv, babies, marriage, healthy pink vaginas (don’t ask) and just have a good girly giggle for a few hours. Its so much fun. Its nearly a year that ive known these girls. As long as there are books to read, they’ll be book club girls!

So throughout my 30 years of life ive met a lot of people and made a lot of friends, both short and long term. Of course there have been many more in between, but these ones seem to have made lasting memories and been important in my life at some point or another. Ive met people in so many different ways; through school, education, work, hobbies, acquaintances. Im not sure there are any other ways to make new friends and meet new people? It occurs to me that ive not had a best friend for a while. There is no-one in my life right now who knows everything there is to know about me. All of the above know everything collectively, but individually, they know bits and pieces. Some bigger bits and pieces than others. Is this a good or bad thing? Is a best friend that important?. Im sure I’ll gain another soon enough…one I can call my bff. Right now im just happy knowing the people that I do and being able to call them friends.