Tag Archives: love

What I thought I knew

Isn’t it funny when someone breaks your heart. Not literally funny, but how that moment of heart break seemingly changes everything.

The deep despair you feel.

The rawness of emotions running through your veins and cascading through your body, with every pump of your heart.

The loneliness you feel and how you’re certain nobody will ever understand what you’re going through.

And the feeling that that’s it…you will never recover from your heart-ache. You will never meet someone that makes you feel that deeply again, or allow yourself to ever open your heart, body and soul to another person if you do.

Everything seems so final.  All your hopes, dreams and wishes dashed away. You’re left with only memories torn apart by grief and plans for a future you can only ever recall but never fulfil.

That person was your one and only, the one, your soulmate. Everything you became and were has now gone, with them, dropped like the last petal of a dry wilting rose.

In your wildest imagination, you simply can’t fathom the idea that you’ll ever recover…

Guess who’s back!

A year or two ago, I mentioned I was crazy in love with a boy I met on the internet. Well, at lot changed after I wrote my confession.

After a massive argument with him, I told him I didn’t want to be friends with him anymore. I only wanted a relationship and if I wasn’t going to get that, I didn’t see the point. He wanted us to be friends but always cancelled plans we’d made, so I’d had enough. This happened on 31st December 2014, and I promised myself I wouldn’t speak to him again. I started dating my ex and we played the happy couple for 6 months.

At some point early in December 2015, I was helping my friend move house. I saw a guy who looked the spitting image of him! I convinced myself it was him, bad as it is, looking as awful as he looked, I was glad. Some part of me wanted him to be unhappy without me. I had thought about him over the months, but it was just general wondering how he was and if he was with someone all happy and loved up. So, to see him looking unhappy, knowing my previous relationship had broken down, made me feel better.

I got home with it still playing on my mind and I randomly checked my emails and there it was…. An email from him, asking if we could maybe be friends. Honestly, I was over the moon to see that email. I assumed he’d seen me with my friend and asked if that was what prompted the email, but he said it wasn’t him… At least I know he’s got a hot doppelganger eh!
We exchanged a few emails and I told him I was happy to try and give the friendship thing a go. He used to be my best friend and I really missed the way we used to talk, so I was keen to see if we could get it back. It felt nice to know that after a year, he was still thinking of me.
We swapped numbers and have talked on WhatsApp most days since.

We did arrange to meet up for food, but he cancelled on me (It was Wales’ first match of the 6 Nations). I did take it to heart at first and told him not to talk to me for a bit. After a week, he apologised when I explained why I was upset. Considering that would never have happened 2 years ago without us slagging the hell out of each other, I’m calling this progress!!

It’s only been a few months of talking but we’re getting on well.
I still fancy him something rotten and I’ve told him in a round about way. I don’t know where this is going to go. I don’t know if I’m still in love with him.. I’d have to see him and touch him to tell. I don’t know if we’re only ever destined to be friends, but right now I’m just happy he’s back in my life.

I’ve missed him and he’s clearly missed me too! 😁

I didn’t sleep last night.

I don’t often watch the news. For years I’ve found it depressing, everyday is another tale of death, murder and sadness. Sometimes I’d rather stay wrapped up in my blanket of invisibility and naivety and forget the world is currently embroiled in such constant devastation.

Friday night however, it couldn’t be escaped. I watched it and it upset me. I cried. I’ve shed many a tear all day. I’m no longer de-sensitised. I’m scared.

I’m scared for the places I may never get to see, because it’s too dangerous.

I’m scared for the people I may never get to meet because they’re not permitted to enter our great Isle.

I’m scared that I’ll leave the house one day and not come home.

I’m scared that the carefree attitude I once had, will be marred by a future full of anxiety.

I’m scared that the only future I can see is bleak and smeared by terror, suffering and heartache.

I’m scared that the people we rely on to make positive change, only have one narrow vision.

Mostly, I’m scared that I may never get to hold your tiny hand. I may never hear your first words, or see your first steps. I may never see the joy on your face as you discover things for the first time. I’m scared I’ll never get to see you grow up, learn, achieve, develop and love.
How can I bring you into this world, knowing that ultimately, I’m completely powerless to protect you.

I’m scared that your existence will only ever be in my dreams and my imagination.

Crazy In Love

I’ve been in love with the same man now for 4 years.
Considering he doesn’t love me back, this is hard.

Since we broke up, I’ve been trying to get over him, but to no avail. I honestly believe I’m going to be in love with him for the rest of my life. This scares me. Although he doesn’t love me, he won’t let me go. He selfishly wants me in his life. I’ve tried time and time again to leave, to walk away from our friendship but I can’t because I’m weak. He makes me weak.
I’ve never felt about other men the way I feel about him. Everyone I’ve met since him, pail in comparison. They don’t even scratch the surface.

From the second I saw him, I wanted him. Even when I see him now, I still get excited. I still feel the buzz of electricity when he touches me, and go weak at the knees and feel the flip of my stomach when his stare lingers. We still smile and laugh together as we reminisce about old times. Feel our hearts race and our skin blush as we talk about our intimate encounters from we were together, and when we weren’t…. He remembers every single detail.

He knows me better than anyone else, even myself.

I wish I knew what he wanted, I wish he’d tell me. I wish he’d tell himself.

Here, and there. Mostly there!

I moved to Cardiff. On my own.  It was a brave move.

 

I grew up in Northampton. It’s a huge town and growing up wasn’t that much fun, there was never anything to do, but I managed. As a kid we had a lot of day trips, never holidays, so I got a feel for different places and never wanted to come home from a day at the beach. The older I got, and the more friends I had, more boys I hung about with, I began to discover more places, and realised how shite Northampton actually was.

Living just an hour away from London by train,  I discovered I quite like the big cities. All the buzz, vibrancy and so many people.  Fair enough,  there are a lot of people rushing about in London,  but you can still sit there and be at peace with yourself and people watch.

Two of my best guy friends were gay, so I went to Cardiff mardi gras with them in 2006 and officially converted! The place was amazing. My friends and I sat down the bay and uttered the words “We should move here one day”….. The seed was planted…

In 2008 after uni finished i really wanted to get a job in the West mids area, just to escape going home, but family issues prevented that, and alas, it was back to Northampton for me. Truth be told, i actually despised the West Mids, i just wanted an excuse not to go home. Another opportunity presented itself the following year but I wasn’t stable enough emotionally to even attempt to escape.

In 2010, after working my ass of to gain experience and the right qualifications,  i got my dream job and assumed that was it. Stay, and work my way up….. but then I met Gareth on an online dating site. A beautiful Welsh guy, living in Cardiff and it was love at first sight. Well, from my screen anyway. We talked for 8 months before I convinced him to meet me and try the long distance thing out. I know its sounds silly, but by this point we were already in love with each other. Unfortunately, love doesn’t conquer everything,  and we couldn’t get over the arguments and our physical relationship finished in 2012. The closeness we’d built up over time couldn’t be forgotten and we remained best friends.  Obviously we still had feelings for each other and the arguments continued, but we’d still talk. Probably because of habit,  I don’t know.

I lost my job in mid 2012 due to redundancy and over a period of about 2 weeks decided I was going to move! To Cardiff!!! I had nothing in Northampton,  I felt like a failure and was becoming very down because of it.  I told Gareth and he said I was an idiot to move with no job, and itd only end in tears.  Ha, it was the determination in me that he once loved, but he clearly doubted I was capable. If nothing else, id do it to prove him wrong. I hate when people doubt me!  A small part of me also thought perhaps we could work if I was living in the same city. An element of risk yeah, but who cares. My redundancy money came through,  and it was my full wages owed. I spent 3 months saving extras from a temp job I had. Id have enough for a deposit and 3 months rent, and general spending money so I didnt have to claim jobseekers allowance -I always feel guilty for being on benefits.

I didn’t tell many people,  just important family and close friends. I didn’t want to be judged in case it didn’t work and I had to come back! Plus id been ranting and raving about wanting to move, i figured theyd assume i was all talk. That’s shame im not sure I could deal with.

My temp job ended, I found a room (massively stressful experience!)… Less than 2 weeks later, I packed up my stuff and went. No leaving party, no big goodbyes, no tears, no frigging goodbye cake!! Just went.

It was a struggle at first. Ive had some awful jobs, lived with some idiotic, dirty people,  found it difficult to make friends, but Im finally starting to feel settled.

After being here for a good few months, Gareth kindly ate his words 😀 😀 😀 😀

On the 23rd July 2014, I’d have been living in Cardiff for 18 months. When people ask why i moved here im never sure what to say. “I met a boy”, or ” i was bored”, or “i needed to start afresh”… I guess truthfully a combination of all three. I was truly madly deeply in love when i moved, both with him, and the place. I still love living here and that wont change. Theres one thing i know for sure, I’ve stayed here for myself!

 

 

Single, single and 30

Single at any age is never fun, being female, single and 30 is a whole new level of ass sucking! I’ve been single for about 2 years now. I didn’t expect to be single for so long. I guess I just assumed like any other girl out there that things would sort themselves out in my mid 20’s…. Alas due to me being a late bloomer in life things havent quite got there. I went to uni late, so when my other friends were in long term relationships, I was enjoying my freedom at uni and discovering that I wasnt as horrendous looking as I felt!

 

Turning 30, eight months ago was quite a shock for me. Not just because of the age, but in terms of achievement.  I try not to compare myself to others, or society, but i felt behind. I have no children, I don’t own my own house, ive never cooked a roast dinner, my phone bill is my only real responsibility and I’ve never lived with a guy!! I didn’t even have a good job at the time. Most of the anguish probably came from how unsettled I felt.  Is it any wonder I spent the approaching week in tears!

 

I guess my lack of successful relationships (long term) impacts on how I view things. Ive had 3 fairly serious relationships. Well, 3 that I can define as having felt very strong feelings of love. The first at upper school, aged 15/16, which lasted for 7 months. The second after i left school aged 17, lasted for 3 years and the 3rd, my last one when i was 26/27.  It was about 1 year of actually being together,  and another year on and off because it was long distance and very complicated. Everything else in between has been a combination of flings and dating… Nothing at all to get excited about.

 

I have a type too, which I guess doesn’t help things.  Looks wise its specific….tall, dark features, slim and a light skin tone. Of course I’ve dated others out of that range, but there hasn’t been that spark for me and probably the reason its not worked out. Personality wise, I like humour, someone who’s fairly adventurous and up for new things, intelligence, kindness and ambition.  My ex was mostly perfect,  we just couldn’t get over the distance.

 

Perhaps this is why im still single,  because my ‘ideal’ man is too specific.  Ive read a lot lately that its not all about looks, because they fade. Its all about whats inside that counts. Surely when it comes to finding someone you’re spending the rest of your life with,  they should be everything you want? We spend time looking for the perfect things, outfit, holiday, house and jobs that are right for us. Why not extend the same attitude to the right partner?