Tag Archives: Mental Health

That’s what’s up

Ever since I had my bi polar meltdown, I’ve been wondering what the hell is wrong with me. My bf asked me to leave the house for a few days and go spend time with my family. I was devastated as I was sure he wouldn’t be home when I returned but he was.

The whole thing was sort of brushed under the carpet until I had another mental episode a short time after.

I honestly just felt despair. I woke up one morning and just felt angry and irritated. I warned my bf not to wind me up as I just wasn’t feeling ‘jokey’.. He went into shut down mode and that’s what set me off.

I was so irate I just exploded. A huge argument ensued and he told me he didn’t want us to have kids with me being like this. I was heartbroken. That’s the one thing I’m fighting for.. Babies.

I know he hates me researching stuff (incase I misdiagnose)… He’d rather I went doctors, said I was depressed and came home with a cocophyony of ‘happy pills’. Considering I don’t feel this way all the time, I don’t want that for myself. I don’t even know what I googled, but I stumbled upon PMDD. Premenstrual Disphoric Disorder. Whilst I read about it, alarm bells were going off in my head.. I just sat there thinking, this is me. This is bloody well me! I’m not angry all the time but before my period I’m just full of rage and self loathing, fear, anxiety, worthlessness, my body aches, thoughts race through my mind. I can’t concentrate on anything. I don’t want to be around anyone. I loathe people. I just want to shut myself in a dark room and cry and stuff myself with food. I think of harming myself. I become self critical about every single aspect of my life. I feel so god damn depressed. This is a new level of pms.

A few days after my period starts, all is well with the world. I feel happy, I smile, laugh and joke with my bf. I love my bf again and can’t imagine life without him. I like and want to be around people. I don’t mind life. I feel I can achieve anything, I become confident again. Come ovulation time, this whole cycle of bullshit starts again.

Living 1 life with 2 versions of me is so damn exhausting.

I’ve started a ‘diary of moods’ if you will and so has the bf. We’re going to record my moods over 2-3 cycles and see if it really is PMDD then, I’m going to my doctor! If it’s not, then I’m just fucking crazy and need proper help. Time will tell.

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Contraception : The Copper IUD and Cerelle experience 

This time last year, I was very happy living in my IUD worry free land. I’d just got one put it and thought it was the start of great things. The copper coil was everything I’d hoped for. I’m a nightmare on hormonal medication. I’ve no idea why, I just know that the implant turned me into a suicidal, weepy pyscho; who berated her bf in the streets of Northampton simply because he was breathing. 

So learning about hormone free stuff which such a revelation. I read the reviews and dealt with the insertion procedure like a champ.

I had 9 months of bliss, until an illness and a course of strong painkillers and antibiotics triggered either thrush or BV. It was so bad I felt like I needed to wear scratch mitts to stop me from ripping my insides apart. 5 minutes of ‘relieving’ myself would make me feel like I’d had an altercation with Mr Freddy Kruger. I felt like a wild animal trying to find objects to scratch myself on. Walking, wearing underwear,  going to the toilet and having sex began to get very painful, so after 4 months of suffering, I had it removed. 

My nurse suggested the implant, but I told her it’d make me crazy again. After much deliberation and insisting I know my body can’t deal with the combined pill, she suggested progesterone only. I reluctantly walked away with a 3 month supply and told my bf if you notice ANY differences in me, please, just say. 

One month later and I noticed I was a little bit more teary than usual. I’m emotional as fuck anyway, but I’d be crying at literally anything. On a positive note, I did notice that my thrush had all but disappeared (Bastard coil, I knew that was you!) 

Two months in and I noticed a lot more. I have no idea what my periods are doing. I pretty much ‘spot’ every day, which is annoying.  I’m anxious, moody, very down, emotional, exhausted. I have no desire to leave the house or participate in anything other than being at home. Oh, and my sex drive has completely fucked off. I don’t even want to have sex with myself and that’s saying something! Up until a couple of weeks ago, I didn’t even want to be touched. Now, I don’t know if anyone else has had these specific side effects, but what’s the point? If I’m taking the pill to stop pregnancy and it impacts this greatly on my sex drive, it’s ultimately useless. 

I’ve just started month 3, my final pack and I think that’s the end of my Cerelle relationship. All the sides effects are still there and I’m certain this is heading towards depression. In 3 short months I’ve completely forgotten how to feel or be my normal self. I love my boyfriend and myself far too much to let this pill impact my mental and physical health like this. 

It still puzzles me that women have to put up with this shit. How hard can it really be to make contraception with less or no side effects?!