The past few weeks I have really been thinking about my future. My lichens sclerosus is still bad but due to a change in my diet (no alcohol and less sugar) I’ve found I’ve had less flare ups.
I have genuinely been thinking about whether or not I really wanted kids or of I just forget about them and me and the bf save our money for travelling. I know it probably sounds quite drastic, but with the fibroids making trying to conceive a lot more difficult than it’s supposed to be and the lichens sclerosus ravaging my vulva so much so that I’ve become so narrow and I’m afraid to have sex, I have wondered if there’s any point.
That was until this week….
My Facebook has shown 4 pregnancy announcements. One I already knew about and another was a celebrity, but it still counts nonetheless. They shocked me and I felt so upset…. I wasn’t able to hide my upset from my bf. It hit me heard and my mind has since been consumed with nothing but baby and pregnancy thoughts.
Ive let myself wallow in self pity this week, cos it feels like a process I need to go through. Its helped! Because I allowed myself time to grieve, it made me realise I want a baby more than anything and I’m willing to try and help myself in order to start trying to conceive again. I have now ordered dilators and lube! Sounds odd, but I read that dilators can open you up again, which will really help get me ready for sex… I get so tense at the thought of having sex that it makes matters worse, and the anxiety doesn’t help with lubrication down there either. I’m hoping they’ll help with the sensations too, as the last time I had sex it didn’t feel nice, it just felt like aggravation and then relief of the itching. No point having sex if it doesn’t feel good, is there?
If this reignites my sex drive, I’m going to be so happy!
Wish me luck!
I’ve been brought up to believe relationships shouldn’t be rushed. You should always take your time..move slowly. Get to know one another properly before launching yourself into serious life changing decisions and events.
I’ve always passed judgement on others doing things quickly in relationships; moving in, getting pregnant, getting engaged and married after what seems like two minutes. “It’ll never work”has always been my mantra with these situations.
Everything needs at least a year. I know some situations can’t be helped, but it’s always best to wait – isn’t it?
So this is a thing. I didn’t even know it was until I realised how envious I was at yet another pregnancy announcement. They just seem to be so frequent these days, I don’t understand why, or how! Well obviously I know how!
I had a dream a few months ago now that my sister was pregnant with twins. Usually these dreams for me signify actual pregnancy or illness. Just as I thought no more about it, a friend I hadn’t seen for a good while said she wanted to meet up for dinner.
I’d guessed she was pregnant before she actually confirmed she was. I congratulated her, of course I was happy for her. She deserves to be happy. But a part of me died inside for completely selfish reasons. I’ve lost another friend to the mummy brigade, I’m still not even close to ever having children of my own and that’s another person in life who’s got everything that I want.
I can tell you, it’s totally possible to smile and be happy for your friend whilst your heart fights back the desire in you to completely breakdown.
I sort of got over that. Then came another blow. A colleague entered the room one morning with a rather bloated looking belly and announced she was also expecting. Hmmm.
Why is everyone getting pregnant and I haven’t.
I know I’m not completely irrational about my feelings because someone else I know is having fertility problems and she struggles when other women announce their pregnancies. I feel jealous of her. She’s got everything in place. House, decent job, loving fiancee. I haven’t even got a quarter of that. She’d probably laugh at me if I told her I was jealous of her!
I know I’m doing that ridiculous ‘comparing myself to others’ that we as a society seem to do constantly,but I can’t help it.
Can people just stop procreating for a while please 😦
Anyone else have pregnancy envy?