Tag Archives: relationships

I think I’ve settled down.

As you’ll probably have read from previous blog posts, my love life has always left rather a lot to be desired. Other than my longest ever relationship to date when I was 17, I’ve never managed to clock up the months, let alone the years. Previous relationships have never been quite right for me. Either I’ve been way into them and the feeling wasn’t mutual or vice versa,  they’ve annoyed me, I’ve not been able to be myself or we’ve just been too different.

On 20th May 2016, after a really shitty night, I logged onto the tinder account I hadn’t touched for months. I deleted all the previous matches and went about starting again. Off I went, through the motions of swiping left and right. Soon realising I’d become waaay more picky with a lot more lefts than rights… “Ooh he’s cute…” reads bio…. “Blah blah blah, sex, sex, sex.. Big no no.  I  matched with a few guys and didn’t really think too much of it. One guy I got chatting to was a good laugh, but the conversation soon turned sexy and too flirty for my liking. I didn’t like where it was going, so I stopped. I haven’t been THAT girl for years, and at 33 you can think again if you think I’m going back to those days.  I left it for a day or two when I got a second wind and began swiping again.  Moments later, a notification.. ‘You have a super like’… Super like you say, what is this business..?!? Having a quick look, I remembered this guy.. Wasn’t my usual type, but seemed up for a good laugh. 

After a few days of talking, I was pleasantly relieved to find out that he was a lovely guy, genuine, funny and didn’t talk about anything sexual. We clicked, straight away.  2 lush dates later, he went away on holiday for 3 weeks. I stalked him on Facebook and instagram and awaited his return.  Not long after he got back, we went to London for the weekend… And I asked him out.. I was having a fabulous time with this guy. I’d only known him for a mere 6/7 weeks, but I just knew he was what I wanted. 1 month after that, I told him I loved him and he said it back. 

Many a night and day was spent calling, texting, going on dates and just living the high life. I was so happy and loved up.

In January this year, I took the plunge and decided to move in with him.  It was a struggle at first, as I’ve never lived with a guy I like. Wasn’t quite sure how I’d cope. 6 months down the line and all is good. We bicker like normal couples and have had one big argument, but we’re good. I still live and fancy him …which is a surprise for me!­čśü. 

We celebrate our 1 year anniversary in July. 

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Contraception : The Copper IUD and Cerelle experience 

This time last year, I was very happy living in my IUD worry free land. I’d just got one put it and thought it was the start of great things. The copper coil was everything I’d hoped for. I’m a nightmare on hormonal medication. I’ve no idea why, I just know that the implant turned me into a suicidal, weepy pyscho; who berated her bf in the streets of Northampton simply because he was breathing. 

So learning about hormone free stuff which such a revelation. I read the reviews and dealt with the insertion procedure like a champ.

I had 9 months of bliss, until an illness and a course of strong painkillers and antibiotics triggered either thrush or BV. It was so bad I felt like I needed to wear scratch mitts to stop me from ripping my insides apart. 5 minutes of ‘relieving’ myself would make me feel like I’d had an altercation with Mr Freddy Kruger. I felt like a wild animal trying to find objects to scratch myself on. Walking, wearing underwear,  going to the toilet and having sex began to get very painful, so after 4 months of suffering, I had it removed. 

My nurse suggested the implant, but I told her it’d make me crazy again. After much deliberation and insisting I know my body can’t deal with the combined pill, she suggested progesterone only. I reluctantly walked away with a 3 month supply and told my bf if you notice ANY differences in me, please, just say. 

One month later and I noticed I was a little bit more teary than usual. I’m emotional as fuck anyway, but I’d be crying at literally anything. On a positive note, I did notice that my thrush had all but disappeared (Bastard coil, I knew that was you!) 

Two months in and I noticed a lot more. I have no idea what my periods are doing. I pretty much ‘spot’ every day, which is annoying.  I’m anxious, moody, very down, emotional, exhausted. I have no desire to leave the house or participate in anything other than being at home. Oh, and my sex drive has completely fucked off. I don’t even want to have sex with myself and that’s saying something! Up until a couple of weeks ago, I didn’t even want to be touched. Now, I don’t know if anyone else has had these specific side effects, but what’s the point? If I’m taking the pill to stop pregnancy and it impacts this greatly on my sex drive, it’s ultimately useless. 

I’ve just started month 3, my final pack and I think that’s the end of my Cerelle relationship. All the sides effects are still there and I’m certain this is heading towards depression. In 3 short months I’ve completely forgotten how to feel or be my normal self. I love my boyfriend and myself far too much to let this pill impact my mental and physical health like this. 

It still puzzles me that women have to put up with this shit. How hard can it really be to make contraception with less or no side effects?! 

Too Soon

I’ve been brought up to believe relationships shouldn’t be rushed. You should always take your time..move slowly. Get to know one another properly before launching yourself into serious life changing decisions and events.

I’ve always passed judgement on others doing things quickly in relationships; moving in, getting pregnant, getting engaged and married after what seems like two minutes. “It’ll never work”has always been my mantra with these situations.  

Everything needs at least a year. I know some situations can’t be helped, but it’s always best to wait – isn’t it?

What I thought I knew

Isn’t it funny when someone breaks your heart. Not literally funny, but how that moment of heart break seemingly changes everything.

The deep despair you feel.

The rawness of emotions running through your veins and cascading through your body, with every pump of your heart.

The loneliness you feel and how you’re certain nobody will ever understand what you’re going through.

And the feeling that that’s it…you will never recover from your heart-ache. You will never meet someone that makes you feel that deeply again, or allow yourself to ever open your heart, body and soul to another person if you do.

Everything seems so final.  All your hopes, dreams and wishes dashed away. You’re left with only memories torn apart by grief and plans for a future you can only ever recall but never fulfil.

That person was your one and only, the one, your soulmate. Everything you became and were has now gone, with them, dropped like the last petal of a dry wilting rose.

In your wildest imagination, you simply can’t fathom the idea that you’ll ever recover…

The Backup Plan

I made a backup plan with an old best friend of mine. You know the sort, you’re about 22 years old and realise life has the potential to go tits up for you. You and your best pal of the opposite sex make a plan to get married and have babies just in case you get to 40 and realise everything is fucked!

For the most part, I didn’t think I’d ever have a reason to use mine or call it in. I left it by the wayside and forgot it had ever been considered. That, was until I realised my option had gone. My backup plan is definitely gay and also married. ┬áThe fact that we’ve just started talking again after a 4 year fall out has absolutely nothing to do with it!! I know him being gay is more a plus point and likely the easier option, but I’m sure he doesn’t want to rent my womb!

A few friends have offered along the way, mostly in jest of course. But low and behold, they’ve got their shit together and have since Wed.┬á

I feel like I need to go on some sort of collecting spree and get details of chronically single men in the south Wales area. No idea why they need to be chronically single, I’m selling myself short here! I’m a great catch, only part psychotic.

Perhaps I should stick an advert on Gumtree!

Did you or do you still  have a backup plan?

 

 

Guess who’s back!

A year or two ago, I mentioned I was crazy in love with a boy I met on the internet. Well, at lot changed after I wrote my confession.

After a massive argument with him, I told him I didn’t want to be friends with him anymore. I only wanted a relationship and if I wasn’t going to get that, I didn’t see the point. He wanted us to be friends but always cancelled plans we’d made, so I’d had enough. This happened on 31st December 2014, and I promised myself I wouldn’t speak to him again. I started dating my ex and we played the happy couple for 6 months.

At some point early in December 2015, I was helping my friend move house. I saw a guy who looked the spitting image of him! I convinced myself it was him, bad as it is, looking as awful as he looked, I was glad. Some part of me wanted him to be unhappy without me. I had thought about him over the months, but it was just general wondering how he was and if he was with someone all happy and loved up. So, to see him looking unhappy, knowing my previous relationship had broken down, made me feel better.

I got home with it still playing on my mind and I randomly checked my emails and there it was…. An email from him, asking if we could maybe be friends. Honestly, I was over the moon to see that email. I assumed he’d seen me with my friend and asked if that was what prompted the email, but he said it wasn’t him… At least I know he’s got a hot doppelganger eh!
We exchanged a few emails and I told him I was happy to try and give the friendship thing a go. He used to be my best friend and I really missed the way we used to talk, so I was keen to see if we could get it back. It felt nice to know that after a year, he was still thinking of me.
We swapped numbers and have talked on WhatsApp most days since.

We did arrange to meet up for food, but he cancelled on me (It was Wales’ first match of the 6 Nations). I did take it to heart at first and told him not to talk to me for a bit. After a week, he apologised when I explained why I was upset. Considering that would never have happened 2 years ago without us slagging the hell out of each other, I’m calling this progress!!

It’s only been a few months of talking but we’re getting on well.
I still fancy him something rotten and I’ve told him in a round about way. I don’t know where this is going to go. I don’t know if I’m still in love with him.. I’d have to see him and touch him to tell. I don’t know if we’re only ever destined to be friends, but right now I’m just happy he’s back in my life.

I’ve missed him and he’s clearly missed me too! 😁

Relationships and Bottom Burps

I was asked by a work colleague if/ when I was likely to move in with my boyfriend. I think she was surprised to hear me say “Not yet, cos of the toilet thing”.

We’re really happy together right now and I’m almost certain I’m not yet ready to hear him go for a dump!
This promptly moved onto the topic of farting. Again, she was surprised to learn I hadn’t “bottom burped” in front of him yet. I said I didn’t like doing that sort of thing. She said wasn’t “prepared to get a stomach ache from holding it in”. This made me wonder if I’m normal!?!

I asked the others in the room who mostly replied with similar answers.

“I go to another room or the toilet to do it.”

“I go into the kitchen and open and close cupboards, loudly!”

“The only time he’s heard me fart was when I sneezed and it accidentally came out”… Haha. Yes, we all had a giggle at that one 😁.

She who farts a lot had been with her partner for 10 years, so I guess she’s past caring. Another who was married for longer still walks out of the room to ‘let it go, let it go’..

I still want my relationship to stay fluffy and fun and I’m enjoying the cloud of bodily function denial that I’m living on.┬á I suspect when I do move in with him, the toilet will be a sanctuary of the amazing lotions, potions and devices I’ve created to help ease the reminants of me having ‘dropped the kids off at the pool’.
The minute someone leaves the door open, to me, that’s the end. There’s comfortable, and there’s too comfortable! 🚽