Today I’m mourning the loss of something I never even had.
I spent the past week experiencing some early pregnancy symptoms and convinced myself we’d managed to conceive. Waves of nausea cursed through my body, my sense of smell heightened and made me feel like superwoman, whilst my mouth held the remanents of old coins and my breasts felt sore and swollen.
My heart raced at the thought of new life being made and I allowed myself to get excited. I bought a pregnancy test, eager to use it and confirm my suspicions.
My feelings of elation and motherhood were short lived when the test gave me negatives.. again, I told myself I was testing too early. I told my partner of my suspicions and we both marvelled at the prospect of our new future, as a 3!
Last night all my positivity was drained when I experienced contractions, period cramps and a general unwell feeling came over me. I took myself to bed and let my body continue to break down while I slept, expecting my period to arrive upon waking.
Sex with my partner soon brought with it pink stained toilet paper that soon turned to bright red. My period, as planned was on its way. My heart broken at the sight of the evidence.
I keep reminding myself that we can try again but I feel so much sorrow for what I thought I had. I’ve never in my life experienced symptoms like this.. perhaps it was imagened symptoms, but they felt so real to me. I started to think that maybe these fibroids wouldn’t give me any issues after all. Who knows. One thing I know for sure is that we both want this this badly and we both deserve it. We are now officially trying to conceive