Tag Archives: single

What I thought I knew

Isn’t it funny when someone breaks your heart. Not literally funny, but how that moment of heart break seemingly changes everything.

The deep despair you feel.

The rawness of emotions running through your veins and cascading through your body, with every pump of your heart.

The loneliness you feel and how you’re certain nobody will ever understand what you’re going through.

And the feeling that that’s it…you will never recover from your heart-ache. You will never meet someone that makes you feel that deeply again, or allow yourself to ever open your heart, body and soul to another person if you do.

Everything seems so final.  All your hopes, dreams and wishes dashed away. You’re left with only memories torn apart by grief and plans for a future you can only ever recall but never fulfil.

That person was your one and only, the one, your soulmate. Everything you became and were has now gone, with them, dropped like the last petal of a dry wilting rose.

In your wildest imagination, you simply can’t fathom the idea that you’ll ever recover…

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The Backup Plan

I made a backup plan with an old best friend of mine. You know the sort, you’re about 22 years old and realise life has the potential to go tits up for you. You and your best pal of the opposite sex make a plan to get married and have babies just in case you get to 40 and realise everything is fucked!

For the most part, I didn’t think I’d ever have a reason to use mine or call it in. I left it by the wayside and forgot it had ever been considered. That, was until I realised my option had gone. My backup plan is definitely gay and also married.  The fact that we’ve just started talking again after a 4 year fall out has absolutely nothing to do with it!! I know him being gay is more a plus point and likely the easier option, but I’m sure he doesn’t want to rent my womb!

A few friends have offered along the way, mostly in jest of course. But low and behold, they’ve got their shit together and have since Wed. 

I feel like I need to go on some sort of collecting spree and get details of chronically single men in the south Wales area. No idea why they need to be chronically single, I’m selling myself short here! I’m a great catch, only part psychotic.

Perhaps I should stick an advert on Gumtree!

Did you or do you still  have a backup plan?

 

 

Guess who’s back!

A year or two ago, I mentioned I was crazy in love with a boy I met on the internet. Well, at lot changed after I wrote my confession.

After a massive argument with him, I told him I didn’t want to be friends with him anymore. I only wanted a relationship and if I wasn’t going to get that, I didn’t see the point. He wanted us to be friends but always cancelled plans we’d made, so I’d had enough. This happened on 31st December 2014, and I promised myself I wouldn’t speak to him again. I started dating my ex and we played the happy couple for 6 months.

At some point early in December 2015, I was helping my friend move house. I saw a guy who looked the spitting image of him! I convinced myself it was him, bad as it is, looking as awful as he looked, I was glad. Some part of me wanted him to be unhappy without me. I had thought about him over the months, but it was just general wondering how he was and if he was with someone all happy and loved up. So, to see him looking unhappy, knowing my previous relationship had broken down, made me feel better.

I got home with it still playing on my mind and I randomly checked my emails and there it was…. An email from him, asking if we could maybe be friends. Honestly, I was over the moon to see that email. I assumed he’d seen me with my friend and asked if that was what prompted the email, but he said it wasn’t him… At least I know he’s got a hot doppelganger eh!
We exchanged a few emails and I told him I was happy to try and give the friendship thing a go. He used to be my best friend and I really missed the way we used to talk, so I was keen to see if we could get it back. It felt nice to know that after a year, he was still thinking of me.
We swapped numbers and have talked on WhatsApp most days since.

We did arrange to meet up for food, but he cancelled on me (It was Wales’ first match of the 6 Nations). I did take it to heart at first and told him not to talk to me for a bit. After a week, he apologised when I explained why I was upset. Considering that would never have happened 2 years ago without us slagging the hell out of each other, I’m calling this progress!!

It’s only been a few months of talking but we’re getting on well.
I still fancy him something rotten and I’ve told him in a round about way. I don’t know where this is going to go. I don’t know if I’m still in love with him.. I’d have to see him and touch him to tell. I don’t know if we’re only ever destined to be friends, but right now I’m just happy he’s back in my life.

I’ve missed him and he’s clearly missed me too! 😁

So I went out, out

With it being the festive season and all that, we had arranged our work Christmas Dooo for black Friday. I was really quite excited about it. I hadn’t been out in a while and it would be the first night out I’ve have since splitting up with JJ.
I’d felt a bit down but not lacking confidence, I just needed to ‘blow the cobwebs away’… Mentally, not physically!

I did very little at work, but went to Bobbi Brown to get a complimentary makeover. The girl that does my make-up works wonders! She did it in an hour and I left feeling AMAZING. When I got back to work, all the girls were complimenting me. It was lovely.
One of the girls said I should go downstairs and show JJ what he was missing and part of me did want to. The other part of me thought that he probably wouldn’t care how great I looked, so I didn’t.

After we all got dressed, we went for food at Jamie’s Italian and the team manager bought a few bottles of processco for the tables. I happily guzzled a few glasses and felt quite tipsy. We moved onto a quieter bar after and played a quiz, whilst still drinking. After a few hours there, with everyone suitably sloshed, we went to a club and some more members of the party left.

The club was great.. Very strange feeling knowing it’s only 6pm, you’re a long way from sober and the club is pretty much empty. We took advantage of the emptiness, danced around and picked a booth in prime location.

I don’t remember people coming in, I just remember there being more people all of a sudden.
Two lads called me over and we were chatting. We talked about my lack of Christmas jumper and other stuff. I fancied his mate more than him, so I made my excuses and went back to my friends. Another group of guys got my attention, so I spoke to one of them for a while and had a dance. Conversation was odd.. He’s from the Welsh valley’s and that’s like a completely different language to me. I could barely understand him. I remember his name was Leyton cause I thought it was lush. He took my number and gave me a kiss and we carried on with the rest of the night.

I got the attention of another guy. He was really tall and had that mysterious hard man look about him. I never usually go for that, but for some reason, I kept making eye contact and dancing sexily until he came over to me. This is something I’d never do in a million years, there must have been something in the wine! Ha.
I danced with him for a bit, before my friend introduced me to a friend of hers. He was cute, but there wasn’t any animal attraction. We talked about travel, food and other stuff and found we had a fair bit in common. He said his goodbyes, we hugged and then he left.

At some point, I managed to get the attention of another guy who I fancied like crazy. I call it the ‘stop eating hot’ level of gorgeousness. If a guy can make me stop eating, he’s too beautiful for words. We danced like mad people and he actually kissed me at one point. I didn’t react well to it because I was shocked. He wanted to come home with me. “I don’t have to be up until 8am” he said. As beautiful as he was, I wasn’t going to take him home. My one night stand days are more than over and done with.
Still, his offer was far nicer than the “Do you live on your own?” chat up line I’d got earlier.
Unfortunately for these Valley boys, their reputation proceeds them.

We carried on dancing until 12:30,  when I decided to call it a night. I was more drunk than horny. I picked up the obligatory chips on the way and jumped in a taxi.
When I woke the next day, I smiled at the previous nights antics. That was just what I needed. I gave my number to three guys that night and it would’ve been nice, but I wasn’t that bothered if any of them got in touch or not.  I always feel a bit shitty post break up, regardless if I was the dumper or the dumpee. That night was just the reminder I needed that men still think I’m good looking and there are still some mighty fine specimens out there!

I’m angry at myself

I’m angry at myself for not following my rules.

I’m angry at myself for letting someone get to know me.

I’m angry at myself for sleeping with him.

I’m angry at myself for the way he made me feel.

I’m angry at myself because I let him in.

I’m angry at myself for making future plans.

I’m angry at myself because I liked him.

I’m angry at myself because he saw me naked.

I’m angry at myself because I missed him when he was gone.

I’m angry at myself because now I feel like I wasn’t enough.

I’m angry at myself because I feel used.

Tonight he told me he didn’t want to be in a relationship. I’m angry at HIM.

Single, single and 30

Single at any age is never fun, being female, single and 30 is a whole new level of ass sucking! I’ve been single for about 2 years now. I didn’t expect to be single for so long. I guess I just assumed like any other girl out there that things would sort themselves out in my mid 20’s…. Alas due to me being a late bloomer in life things havent quite got there. I went to uni late, so when my other friends were in long term relationships, I was enjoying my freedom at uni and discovering that I wasnt as horrendous looking as I felt!

 

Turning 30, eight months ago was quite a shock for me. Not just because of the age, but in terms of achievement.  I try not to compare myself to others, or society, but i felt behind. I have no children, I don’t own my own house, ive never cooked a roast dinner, my phone bill is my only real responsibility and I’ve never lived with a guy!! I didn’t even have a good job at the time. Most of the anguish probably came from how unsettled I felt.  Is it any wonder I spent the approaching week in tears!

 

I guess my lack of successful relationships (long term) impacts on how I view things. Ive had 3 fairly serious relationships. Well, 3 that I can define as having felt very strong feelings of love. The first at upper school, aged 15/16, which lasted for 7 months. The second after i left school aged 17, lasted for 3 years and the 3rd, my last one when i was 26/27.  It was about 1 year of actually being together,  and another year on and off because it was long distance and very complicated. Everything else in between has been a combination of flings and dating… Nothing at all to get excited about.

 

I have a type too, which I guess doesn’t help things.  Looks wise its specific….tall, dark features, slim and a light skin tone. Of course I’ve dated others out of that range, but there hasn’t been that spark for me and probably the reason its not worked out. Personality wise, I like humour, someone who’s fairly adventurous and up for new things, intelligence, kindness and ambition.  My ex was mostly perfect,  we just couldn’t get over the distance.

 

Perhaps this is why im still single,  because my ‘ideal’ man is too specific.  Ive read a lot lately that its not all about looks, because they fade. Its all about whats inside that counts. Surely when it comes to finding someone you’re spending the rest of your life with,  they should be everything you want? We spend time looking for the perfect things, outfit, holiday, house and jobs that are right for us. Why not extend the same attitude to the right partner?