Do you ever think of the same thing over and over until you drive yourself crazy!? I know we’re in the midst of a pandemic and quite frankly the worst and scariest of times a lot of the population has ever lived through, but I still feel a fair bit peeved that so much life has been put on hold.
Just before lockdown began in March my local hospital called me for the surgery I’d been waiting since the previous November for. I was really excited and happily booked it for the following week, day 3 of official lockdown. After hearing various reports of how the virus had spread throughout the hospital, I called the next week and anxiously cancelled. I didn’t want to cancel, but working in a care home, I was scared I’d catch it and unknowingly bring it back – killing the residents. How selfless, putting the old folk before my own health needs. I believed the woman on the phone when she told me to call back when it was over and get rebooked in….
I’ve spent more time than is probably recommended after a breakup, with JB, my ex. He’s been my moral support when my anxiety levels are supernova’d and I’ve convinced myself I’m going to die. He’s been great, really great actually, and I’ve found myself at times thinking I’m falling for him over again. We were still sleeping together in February /March. It’s very strange times when one month, you honestly believe someone is an arsehole after the way they’ve treated you and the next moment, finding yourself feeling the complete opposite. He’s different to the man I used to live with… It’s like he has a new respect for life and the position he finds himself in. Let’s face it, no-one really wants to be approaching 40 with no house/wife/shit sorted.. Do they? I think he also feels the same way about me, or maybe I’m reading all the signals wrong.. Who knows. I’ve found myself wondering what’s the point us giving it another go. We’ve already established he can’t cope with my moods and doesn’t think I’d be a stable mother to the child he’s reluctant to have with me. Also, I’m still harbouring some ill feelings about the £20 his auntie gave me for Christmas, that he decided to spend on himself and lie to me about it – To conclude; yes, he still might be a cunt! 😂
I’m finding it difficult to move on from JB, physically & mentally. I joined Bumble before lockdown as, I was feeling sorry for myself and wanted some attention (purely joined the BFF side of it and casually found myself drifting my way over to the dating side) that’s generally why people sign up for these things – I assume. I got talking to someone and then had a breakdown and stopped all contact. I recently went back on, as I was feeling lonely and I do actually want to get over JB. In the current climate, this is the only way. I feel guilty for being on there. My profile states I want kids, because obviously I do. But at what stage am I to reveal my health problems and infertility? 18 months down the line with an engagement ring on my finger seems to be cutting it a bit fine. No man in his right mind would willingly sign up to the heartbreak and uncertainty of ivf. Out of love, surely they’d agree but is it fair to not say anything? I asked a male friend of mine if he’d be put off dating someone who was infertile and he very honestly said yes. There needs to be some sort of manual for this!
The final reason for my Covid-19 limbo is my lodgings. Moving into a studio post breakup was perfect. My own space, no one to bother me or exasperate my moods. Cooking what food I want and not having anyone moaning that there’s too much fish and humans need meat to survive! Only having to nag myself when shit gets messy. Let’s face it, it’s a small space, with very little storage – it’s rarely tidy. Also, I have too much much stuff I’m not willing to rid myself of. I could easily have moved into a beautiful apartment with all the room in the world and a very expensive price tag rent wise, but I decided against it because saving money is more important to me right now. Oddly enough, I’ve been able to save up more than I could ever imagine. I think I’ve saved £300 in the past month alone. But here’s the main concern, IF I was ever to start dating again, I can’t bring them back to mine. I sort of feel ashamed but not really. If they lived in a shared house, I’d like to think they understood, but then people are arseholic (yes, that’s a word) and there’s my little single bed! You can have coitus on it, no problem, but they’ll be none of that post coitus cuddling malarkey going on. I’d literally have to kick them out of bed and in the direction of the chair. I’m not saying I’d be inviting someone back so quickly. Anything that happens, I want to take it very slowly. None of the rushing like I did with JB. I don’t want to physically live with anyone for a while. Perhaps I just really need to be cautious with anyone I meet. Explain my housing situation and if they don’t understand it, there’s no reason at all for me to be wasting any time on them.
So, there we are. My Covid-19, 2020 limbo.
NwandoA 