Sobriety, sucks

Since I became sober to lessen the effects of this pmdd malarkey, life has changed somewhat.

I don’t go out any more, not that I’ve been a party animal for the last few months anyway, but socially everything has really dwindled quite rapidly. I genuinely thought I was OK living the sober and unsociable life, but in reality I don’t think I am.

I went away for the weekend with some old work friends and it wasn’t really what I wanted it to be. I didn’t relax and I also didn’t go out out, which was the plan for Saturday night. I didn’t want to be surrounded by drunk, irritating people when I couldn’t be the same drunk, irritating person. The whole situation made me feel quite down. I could’ve had an alcoholic drink if I wanted to but I felt I’d be letting myself down and also opening myself up for a downward spiral on my mood the following week. Plus it was the bfs birthday and I didn’t want to give myself any opportunity to act like a miserable cunt.

I didn’t tell my friends why I wasn’t drinking, other than saying it makes me really depressed. They all assumed I was pregnant 😂.

During a trip to the spa I was telling one friend that my social situation has really changed and dwindled since I stopped drinking. Also, stopping bookclub about a year ago hasn’t helped. I think if I told the bookclub girls why I stopped (the pmdd that I didn’t realise was pmdd), they would’ve helped. I don’t think I wanted to admit I couldn’t cope with running it and couldn’t deal with the rejection of people leaving /not joining. Anyway, this thinking all culminated in me realising that I need to find other sober people to hang around with. Sober people with pmdd preferably, but sober people nonetheless. Now I’m more aware of my pmdd and when I’m having better days, I can’t see why I wouldn’t be able to maintain a friendship. Just because my hormones and mental health turn me doolally from time to time doesn’t mean I should be destined to live a solitary friendless life… I deserve friendship 🙂

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So, how did it go?

My hospital appointment went so much better than I could have imagined.

I initially got told off by my consultant for not having my partner there with me. Whilst I could appreciate why he wanted him to be there, from my point of view, the appointment was specifically for me to discuss MY fibroids and how they’ll affect MY fertility. JBs semen analysis had come back ‘normal’ so I already knew he wasn’t the issue. He asked for him to be present at the next appointment.

Since it had been pretty much a year since I’d last seen him, I gave him a recap of my issues. No sooner had my I told him my magic number (soon to be 35) and how long we hadn’t been using contraception for (best part of a year) his attention peaked. I saw him writing out a prescription and asking for dates and whatnots….”I want to check you are ovulating, your hormone levels and also send your for another X ray to check for blockages. I’m so pleased to be getting cycle day 21 blood tests as I really think I skipped ovulation last month and I really don’t know why. Maybe it has something to do with the cyst on my ovary, but there’s no point guessing.

My consultant said hopefully I’ll be pregnant before I see him next but I don’t want to put that sort of pressure 9r expectation on myself. It’ll happen when it happens. Let’s get these tests done and go from there.

Happy Face

I’m feeling nervous

Nearly a year after I had my MRI scan at the hospital, I finally have an appointment scheduled to officially receive my results this Friday. I’m ridiculously nervous at what they might tell me.

Although I had my GP read the results out and tell me that it shouldn’t affect us TTC, well, how does she know? I’d like to get the results from properly qualified persons, you know. Someone who can tell me what type of fibroids I have, how many, where they are and what they affect.

I’m mostly terrified that I’ll be told I’m beyond help and my uterus is so full of fibroids that no baby will ever be able to ‘set up shop’ in there. I think I’m preparing myself for the worst just incase it’s not that bad and I’ll actually feel some relief, rather than utter devastation.

Pray for me!

Peek-a-boo

Today I’m mourning the loss of something I never even had.

I spent the past week experiencing some early pregnancy symptoms and convinced myself we’d managed to conceive. Waves of nausea cursed through my body, my sense of smell heightened and made me feel like superwoman, whilst my mouth held the remanents of old coins and my breasts felt sore and swollen.

My heart raced at the thought of new life being made and I allowed myself to get excited. I bought a pregnancy test, eager to use it and confirm my suspicions.

My feelings of elation and motherhood were short lived when the test gave me negatives.. again, I told myself I was testing too early. I told my partner of my suspicions and we both marvelled at the prospect of our new future, as a 3!

Last night all my positivity was drained when I experienced contractions, period cramps and a general unwell feeling came over me. I took myself to bed and let my body continue to break down while I slept, expecting my period to arrive upon waking.

Sex with my partner soon brought with it pink stained toilet paper that soon turned to bright red. My period, as planned was on its way. My heart broken at the sight of the evidence.

I keep reminding myself that we can try again but I feel so much sorrow for what I thought I had. I’ve never in my life experienced symptoms like this.. perhaps it was imagened symptoms, but they felt so real to me. I started to think that maybe these fibroids wouldn’t give me any issues after all. Who knows. One thing I know for sure is that we both want this this badly and we both deserve it. We are now officially trying to conceive

I got carried away

In all the excitement of the football, my 2 year anniversary and the UK having more than a week of constant sunshine, I slipped up and started drinking again.

I’ve probably only had the equivalent of 2 bottles of wine in a period of one week, but boy, can I feel the difference.

My period was not long ago, so I’ve been in ovulation phase this week and I’ve been awful. I’ve hardly slept, I’ve been feeling anxious, low, irritable, my body has been aching. I’ve felt paranoid my bf doesn’t love me anymore and I’ve felt all clingy and needy.

I think I honestly forgot how significant all the coping strategies I’d put in place were to keeping me on an even keel. I’ve still taken my supplements but I guess the alcohol just cancels them right out.

It feels hard and sad to accept that I’ll be living an alcohol free life, for the foreseeable future. But, I’d much rather this than the self destructive life I’ve been living for the past 20 odd years.

PMDD sucks!

That’s what’s up

Ever since I had my bi polar meltdown, I’ve been wondering what the hell is wrong with me. My bf asked me to leave the house for a few days and go spend time with my family. I was devastated as I was sure he wouldn’t be home when I returned but he was.

The whole thing was sort of brushed under the carpet until I had another mental episode a short time after.

I honestly just felt despair. I woke up one morning and just felt angry and irritated. I warned my bf not to wind me up as I just wasn’t feeling ‘jokey’.. He went into shut down mode and that’s what set me off.

I was so irate I just exploded. A huge argument ensued and he told me he didn’t want us to have kids with me being like this. I was heartbroken. That’s the one thing I’m fighting for.. Babies.

I know he hates me researching stuff (incase I misdiagnose)… He’d rather I went doctors, said I was depressed and came home with a cocophyony of ‘happy pills’. Considering I don’t feel this way all the time, I don’t want that for myself. I don’t even know what I googled, but I stumbled upon PMDD. Premenstrual Disphoric Disorder. Whilst I read about it, alarm bells were going off in my head.. I just sat there thinking, this is me. This is bloody well me! I’m not angry all the time but before my period I’m just full of rage and self loathing, fear, anxiety, worthlessness, my body aches, thoughts race through my mind. I can’t concentrate on anything. I don’t want to be around anyone. I loathe people. I just want to shut myself in a dark room and cry and stuff myself with food. I think of harming myself. I become self critical about every single aspect of my life. I feel so god damn depressed. This is a new level of pms.

A few days after my period starts, all is well with the world. I feel happy, I smile, laugh and joke with my bf. I love my bf again and can’t imagine life without him. I like and want to be around people. I don’t mind life. I feel I can achieve anything, I become confident again. Come ovulation time, this whole cycle of bullshit starts again.

Living 1 life with 2 versions of me is so damn exhausting.

I’ve started a ‘diary of moods’ if you will and so has the bf. We’re going to record my moods over 2-3 cycles and see if it really is PMDD then, I’m going to my doctor! If it’s not, then I’m just fucking crazy and need proper help. Time will tell.

I think I need help..

Today was not a good day. I felt shit the moment I opened my eyes.

I lost my job a month ago and since then I’ve been on a downward spiral into what I can only describe as a bottomless pit. For 4 weeks I’ve acted like it hasn’t bothered me, but deep down it’s made me feel so worthless. I’ve tried so hard to get myself into a good position, so I can have a family with my partner and have everything I’ve ever wanted, but it’s all turned to shit. I want to be better than my mother was, I want my child to have the things I didn’t. I wanted to be better for him/her. And the fact that I’ve failed to do this has impacted me more than I can even begin to imagine.

This had all been exasperated by the fact that I think I’m suffering with depression or bi polar. I have crazy mood swings. One minute I’m ok, then the next I can feel ridiculously down for days on end. It doesn’t just coincide with my periods anymore, I’m just angry and irritable more often than I’m not. Happy and laughing and then feeling deep despair.

I often think about the point of my existence. It sounds awful, but because I’m failing so badly in most areas of my life, I do really wander what the point is. These constant feelings of inadequacy. It’s not even societies standards that I’m failing against, it’s my own. I think about ending my life, but deep down, I don’t think I could.

My partner and I had yet another argument today after I picked him up. Another ridiculous row, over something so trivial. I got angry and all I could think of was skipping a red light and just driving into traffic or just driving straight into a roundabout.

These feelings scare me so much because they’re becoming more frequent. I haven’t told anyone that I feel this way because of the bloody stigma. I’ve worked with people with serious mental health issues and I’ll admit to thinking the same thing. I’m terrified my partner is going to leave me. He’s said he’d never, but I know he will. He has no knowledge of mental health issues at all and just doesn’t understand why I can’t tell him what’s wrong when he asks. How can you explain a feeling when you don’t know what it is yourself. He gets so frustrated with me and I him.

I never used to feel this bad and it worries me because I want to have a child so desperately, I’m a prime candidate for post natal depression.

I wish I could talk to my partner about how I feel, but I can’t because he just doesn’t understand, and the sad thing is he never will.